EroticReverie

Eight Months Later

Abigail

The last two months of high school were two of the worst months of my life. I was heart broken, devastated and just feelings stupid and sorry for myself.  It was hard to go to school with everyone knowing me and Brett had broken up.  He didn't try once to get back together with me. Which I was thankful for. In return, I didnt tell anyone about what he had done that day, and how he put his hands on me. 

Brant didn't do as I asked. He texted and called each day. Sent me pictures from his parents old house that we were using when we were sneaking off together. He sent me pictures of my things, trying to ask if I wanted any of them back, trying everything he could to get me to cave in and just talk to him. 

But I'd successfully spent the remainder of the school year avoiding him, only seeing him once, on my graduation day when he was there to watch Brett graduate. 

The next day I was gone, and left to spend the summer in Florida with my grandparents. 

The texts came less frequently, but they still came.  Where are you? I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry. The same messages over and over, each of them either making me angry or making me sad. Spending my nights either crying, drinking with people my age or a bit older that I'd met in the area. Or fucking random men from bars that I snuck into, that would take me back to their place. 

After summer was over I started college about an hour from home. By October, the texts had stopped. By November, I was dating someone new. One of the colleges basketballs players. He was good to me. He cherished me the second we started seeing each other. He was the picture perfect boyfriend, by his looks and by the way he treated me. He was generous in bed, and outside of it. His attention was always mine and he made me feel like a queen. 

Winter break we decided we'd each go to our own families though. The relationship was still new, and he wanted to see his family and friends back home, and so did I. I wasn't worried though, a few weeks apart was nothing, and I promised to call and text and facetime with him everyday.  

I had not a single worry about us being apart, or with trusting him, I'd never trusted someone so much to be faithful as I did with Troy. That was, at least until I was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him. 

I saw him, before he saw me. He wasn't with Celia or Brett, but he wasn't alone in the supermarket as I stood at the end of the aisle watching him subtly brush his hand over the ass of the tall blonde woman beside him. 

She was young. Not as young as me, but younger than Celia. 

A lump formed in my throat. I couldnt move and I was frozen as I watched her laugh slightly and he he laughed quietly as he grabbed her ass and then....then his head shifted to look around and that when his eyes landed on me. Standing there with a basket in my hand just staring.  His smile dropped immediately. I just blinked. Watching. Looking. Fuck him. Fuck this. 

I turned abruptly, leaving the aisle and did all but run out of the store. 

I had a text before I even got into the car, and refused to look at it as I started up my car with tears threatening to cloud my vision. I slammed a hand on the steering wheel and screamed. A passerby stopping and looking into my wind shield. 

I just ignored them, putting my forehead to the steering wheel and letting myself fall apart. Admitting for the first time in months that I still wasn't okay. That I still wasn't over the man I was trying to erase by being with Troy. 

He'd left her. He'd left Celia. Or maybe he hadn't, maybe the blonde was another dirty secret. Either way, she wasn't me. He wasn't with me. 

The texts keep coming and I just cry, angrily. Angry more at myself than even at him. Angry that I did something so dumb as to ever start giving myself to him. Falling too fast, too quick for a man that didn't love me back enough to make the move, or try to keep me.  

I don't check my phone as I drive home, and in the drive I take a dramatic, unsafe u turn, cutting off traffic as I speed my way to the one place I can go to cry alone. The last place, I should go. But I go anyways. 

Pulling up to the house, it still looks as though he's not actually living in it. I park around the back of the house and get out of the car and just stand there a moment and look at it. 

My phone rings and I sigh and pull it out of my coat pocket. 

Troy's name is on the screen. I take a deep breath. 

"Hello?" I say quietly. Stupid. I never say hello to him. 

"Whats wrong?" he asks immediately, sounding worried, so fucking observant to everything, never missing a fucking mood, or signal. 

"I don't know." I say as I cry quietly , my voice slightly shaky as I try to hold back the mess of tears that want to fall. 

"Babe" he says , his voice trying to soothe me. His voice letting me know he hates that he's not here right now to wrap me in his arms. 

"I thought I could be back here" I say and my voice cracks further and I sniffle. 

"Is it because of him?" he asks. 

Troy knew about Brant. Not the specifics, or who he was, he just knew that before I'd graduated highschool a guy had broken my heart. 

"Yes." I answer honestly. 

"Did you run into him?" he asks. 

I sniffle. "Yes." 

"did you talk to him?" he asks. 

"No." my voice cracks. 

"Did you want to talk to him?" he asks. 

"No." I answer then sniffle. "I dont know" I admit. 

"I hate this." I say and he just gives me another 

"Babe" he says sounding sorry for me, pitying my foolish tears. 

"You got this, you're okay babe" he says and I shake my head. 

"I miss you" I say and he lets out a sigh. 

"I miss you too, so fucking much" he says. 

"I shouldnt have come here. I shouldnt have come home. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready." I say and he just listens. 

"I'm sorry." I say my voice cracking. 

"What are you sorry for?" he asks. "Babe, you dont have to be sorry for being upset" 

"Sorry, because...I shouldnt still be upset over him...I hate that im upset over him...I have the most perfect boyfriend in the world....and....and im still...stuck..." I say and he stays silent. 

I've been honest with Troy, brutally so. He knew when we got together, I was still nursing a broken heart, that I was getting better, but still not entirely over it. 

"Being back here....it's like...starting all over again...seeing him...it's like any progress that was made...forgetting him....it wasnt enough time." I say and sniffle. 

"It cant be easy babe...I'm so sorry Im not there with you right now...I want to kiss you...I want to hold you baby" he says. 

I sniffle and just shake my head. 

"I miss you so much" I say softly trying to stop crying. 

"I miss you too baby" he says. 

"Do you need me to come there.....or you can come here....I can come there." he says and I shake my head. 

"No, no." I say "Stay with your family, I'll be fine, I am fine. I'm just...emotional I guess..I'll be okay" I say and he sighs. 

"Are you sure, I will get on the first plane , I swear ....let me come to you." he says and I cant help the smile that spreads across my face. 

"You're crazy" I say with a little laugh. 

"About you." he says and I wish so much in that moment that I could kiss him. 

I take a deep breath. 

"I think im good, I just...needed to hear you I guess...you and your perfect timing" I say as my breaths slow and I calm myself. 

"why'd you call?" I ask. 

"Just to hear your voice." he says and my heart hurts from his sweetness, a sweetness I feel I don't deserve. 

"Hey....I gotta go...my mom needs help with the food" he says. "I'll call you soon okay? Or call me whenever you need to okay babe?" he asks. 

"yeah, yeah, I'm good, thank you...tell her I said hi." I say and I can hear him smiling through the phone.

"Abby says hi ma" he says.

"Hi sweetie!" I hear his mom sing song voice in the background and smile. 

I'd only met her over facetime so far, but she was a sweet lady. 

"Alright babe...call me if you need me alright?" he asks. 

"Yeah. of course..miss you" I say. 

"Miss you too. Later babe" he says.

"Later." I hang up the phone and then take a deep breath and walk closer to the house and look over it, and let my boots crunch over the snow on the steps, the fresh snow is untouched, meaning nobody has been coming here. 

I walk to the little flower pot on the side of the house, tipping it to the side and find that there's still a key there. I pick it up and hesitate as I reach for the door. But then slide in the key, turning the door and feeling the familiar warm air of the home brush my cold face, and the slight distinct smell of the home. I could never put my finger on what it was, but it just had one of those smells that was specific to one persons home. 

It was only slightly warmer inside, and I assumed it was because there was no point it keeping the heat turned up that much when you werent living in the house. 

Shutting the door behind me I look around the small kitchen. My heart wrenching in my chest as I see our "his and hers" coffee mugs I had bought for us. Just one small thing, that made me feel like we were more than what we were. Something that allowed me to pretend this was ours, as I played house with him for short periods of time, like an idiot. 

I walk over to the mugs sitting on the counter and lift his, running my fingertips along the side, picturing the way the corner of his eyes crinkled whenever he looked at me over his mug as we sat at the small table that still had his newspapers and my tabloid magazines on them from last year. 

I set the mug down and look at mine, remembering how he would make me tea and bring it to me as I laid in the bed in the bedroom that he fucked me and made love to me in, that was just down the hall and filled with memories I couldn't face right now. 

I pull my scarf off after setting down the mug. I blink at the sweatpants and shirt sitting on the chair. The ones he brought for me to change into before I walked out and left. 

I toe my boots off carefully and set them by the door so I dont track water through the house ,  on the carpets and other hardwood in the hall. 

I walk into the small family room, and look at the couch where he held me, where he kissed me and touched me, tickled me and fucked me, and spanked me and let me fall asleep with my head in his lap. Where we sat watching the small television that still sat across the small room. 

I unzip my jacket and take it off and walk back to the small kitchen area and set it with my scarf over the back of the chair. 

In my jeans and long sleeved hunter green sweater I walk through the small hall, past the bathroom, pausing and letting the few memories of our showers together play in my head. That tiny little shower, our bodies pressed together and his mouth on mine as water dripped and poured our bodies dripped, and I let myself feel like I was the only one that was his. 

I pull the door shut and look at the closed door ahead of me to the bedroom and swallow hard. 

I walk forward and reach out and place my hand on the door, wondering if I should go in, knowing I shouldnt have come here at all. But I was a glutton for punishment apparently. Because I turn the door and walk in. 

The bed is made and the room looks untouched. I walk over to the dresser and bite my lip as I put my hand on the handle, tears pricking my eyes when I open the drawer to find my things still there. 

I choke back a sob as I push the drawer shut and then open the others, more of my stuff, of his. Our second life clothes. Our secret life clothes. His affair clothes. My dirty little secret clothes. 

"where have you been?" his voice makes me jump, scaring the fuck out of me as I turn, not even having heard him come in, or his car pull in. 

"what are you doing here?" I ask and swipe my tears, as he steps one foot into the room.

"I should be asking you that." he says. 

"I..."my brows pinch. "I just came to get my things." I say, and look at the drawers.

He takes a few steps closer, and I stiffen and then move away.

"Look at me" he says softly as I look to the side of the room away from him. 

I shake my head. "No." I say quietly. 

"Abigail" his soft voice reminding me of how much I love the sound of my name , my full name on his lips. It was like a drug, one that i'd missed. I'd missed it so much. 

"She's pretty." I say, not looking back at him. 

"don't do that." he says and steps forward. 

"Don't act like I didn't text you every day for months." he says and my eyes finally find his as I jerk my head to him. 

"While you were still married" I say through gritted teeth. 

"Are you still married? To Celia?  Or is she your secret too?" I ask angrily. 

"Or did you finally find someone worth the risk" I bite out and he flinches slightly. 

"You didnt even let me try with you Abigail. You left. You shut me out." he says and I shake my head. 

"You had MONTHS..MONTHS...I was yours for MONTHS...and you made me zero promises about the future!" I yell at him. So fucking angry. 

"You were Brett's for months too! Both of us were with other people up until that day, and you fucking left the second shit got real" he says and I clench my jaw. 

"I left the second you made it clear that you were still unsure about whether or not you wanted to leave her for me...you say you would have..but we know you were still unsure, so dont make ME out to be the one in the wrong..I left because you didnt love me!" I yell and he steps forward and reaches for me and I shake my head. 

"Dont you dare touch me" I say though gritted teeth as I glare. A warning. And i hope he fucking takes it, because if he doesnt, I dont know what will happen. I dont know if I have that much strength. 

"I loved you Abigail. You know I did. You know I do." he says and I shake my head. 

"you dont get to love me...fuck you!" I say and he reaches for me again and I slap him across the face and he just stares. 

"Fuck you!" I cry. 

"fuck you Brant!" I say and push at his chest and he lets me, he lets me shove him and wail on him with my fists against his chest and I smack him again across his face.

"Abigail" he says, as he controls my flying hands by taking my wrists and grabbing them. 

"Fuck you!" I cry as I breathe rapidly and he just holds my hands as I crumple. 

My knees give and I sink to the ground. He lets my hands go and I cover my face as I bring my knees to my chest then dip my head into my legs and wrap my arms around my legs. 

"Just go" I sob. 

"please go" I beg as I feel my heart break again just like it did the day he couldnt give me what I needed. The day I walked out of this little house of lies and pretend. 

He's on the ground beside me, sitting down and I feel him slip a hand behind the back of my knees and one at my back and he pulls me in him between his legs, my ass between his legs and my legs bent over one of this and I let myself turn my head and bury it into his chest as I choke on my cries and he strokes my hair and holds my head to him as I grab onto him. 

"shhhh" he says quietly. 

"Abigail...please" he says as he gently strokes my hair and rubs my back. 

"Please calm down baby" he whispers and I only cry harder hearing him call me baby. 

"I hate you" I cry and he holds me tighter. 

"I hate her" I cry and I know my face is ugly right now and thank god it's hidden in his chest. 

"how come she was enough?" I cry and he holds me tighter. 

"How come i wasnt enough?" I sob and he just holds me as I cry, babbling shit that makes me sound crazy, makes me sound pathetic. 

"fuck you...i hate you so much...i fucking hate you....youre a bastard" I say all while he holds me and comforts me and lets me have my breakdown in his arms. 

"i loved you...i fucking loved you" I sob. 

I feel his hand slide up in my hair and he grips it as he holds me. 

"baby" he whispers against my head. 

I shake my head. 

"she's your baby...not me" I say petulantly , but I cant help it, he did this, he made me break down, he made me a broken mess that day, and is finishing the job now. Breaking more pieces of me. 

"She's just a friend....we're not....together." he says and I shake my head. 

"It doesnt matter" I say. 

"It does" he says. 

I shake my head as I keep crying. 

"It matters because i still think about you...every fucking day Abigail...every god damn day." he says and I wrap my arms tighter around him

"you are my baby....and I told Celia that very day that we were done....when you left here...I went home that night....and I told her I wanted a divorce." he says and I freeze. 

I pull my soaked face back and look at him and he looks at me. 

"You were enough Abigail...you are enough....I loved you....I couldnt be without you....so I went home....I did what I had to do." he says and I just blink. 

"You didnt tell me" I say. 

"Because you wouldnt fucking answer my calls." he says with a deep sigh and then looks at me. 

"you couldve texted it." I say. "If I had known.."

He shakes his head. "I wanted to speak to you in person...plus..I....I needed to know it was what you really wanted....but when you were able to just walk away." he says and shrugs. 

"I walked away because you made me think I wasnt good enough!" I say and he nods. 

"I know. We both made mistakes. Big ones. Life changing ones." he says and I just look at him and can't believe i'm here....sitting with him. in his arms, hating him, while still loving him just as much as I did then. 

"I have a boyfriend." I say and I'm not sure why I say it. 

He nods. "I know." 

My brows pinch. "You do?" 

He nods. "I may , look at your Facebook from time to time, and your instagram." he says and I look away and he lifts my chin. 

My eyes go to his. 

"Are you happy?" he asks. "With him?" 

I look down and think about his question. 

"He's good to me." I say and I close my eyes as his thumb slips over my cheek. 

"Are you ...happy?" he asks and I nod. 

"He makes me happy." I say and his hand pauses. 

"good. I'm glad." he says quietly.

I was happier with you. I want to say. But I don't. This already feels like too much, this already feels like I'm doing something I shouldn't be. Sure, I needed closure, but did I need to find it in his lap? Clinging to him and letting him  hold me while I held onto him?

"I'm not." he says. "Happy." 

I look back at him. 

"I haven't been happy since the last time I got to hold you...I miss holding you." he says and I swallow hard. 

"He's a really good guy." I say trying to remind myself more than him. 

"His name is Troy." I say and he nods, and his thumb slips over my cheek again and then, he pushes it over my lower lip. 

"He...he loves me I think." I say and he nods.

"I dont doubt that for a second." he says. "He'd be a fool not to." he says and his faces moves the slightest bit closer.

"but...do you love him back?" he asks and I feel his breath over my mouth as his lips hover and I breathe shallowly, in tiny breaths as my heart beats faster and my eyes dart all over his face and then they're on his. 

I shake my head slowly. 

His thumb presses more firmly over my lip this time as he drags it across. 

"what about me Abigail?" he asks quietly as his breath brushes my lips. 

"Do you love me still?"