EroticReverie

Of course I still loved him. He was the first guy I ever truly loved. I’d made myself sick crying over him. Lost my mind over him.

“I can’t do this.” I say softly and my heart races because he’s here. He’s right here in front of me. The only cure for my heartbreak was the man who caused it.

“Do you still love me ?” He asks again. 

“I have a boyfriend” I say again.

“Do you…love me” he says.

“Brant. Don’t.” I say and he holds my face in his hands.

“I love you” he whispers.

“I know you still love me. I can see it in your eyes. I can fucking feel it Abigail” he says and leans in to kiss me and I turn my head.

“I won’t cheat on him.” I say. Because it didn’t matter how much I wanted Brant to kiss me. How much my lips yearned for his and the way they made me feel when they were on mine.

“He doesn’t deserve it.” I say.  

He sighs. “Abigail. I want us back together.” He says and the tears come again , full force and I push out of his lap and get up.

“I’m with Troy!” I yell at him as he pushes up.

“So what?!” He says throwing his hands up.

“Leave him like I left my fucking wife for you!” He says and I clench my jaw and my tears go from sad to angry.

“You only left her because I left you!” I yell. “If I hadn’t walked away you’d still be with her! You only left because you could no longer have the best of both worlds!” I say and his jaw clenches too.

“You would’ve kept me your dirty little secret for as long as I let you!” I say and then move to walk out of the room.

“Dont go Abigail” he says as he turns and follows me out and I grab my jacket angrily.

My heart is breaking and it’s that day all over again except this time I’m leaving angry. This time I’m leaving pissed at him. Because how dare he.

“I love you god damnit!” He yells and grabs my jacket and throws it and i jump slightly and he brings his hands to my face and i turn my head but he turns it back.

“I fucking love you, god baby, I love you so fucking much” he says with a sigh and puts his forehead to mine.

My emotions are a whirlwind and I’m back to being sad again. Back to my heart shattering as I close my eyes and feel his hands hold my face. I missed him. I missed him so much. I love him still and I shouldn’t.  I should go. I should push him away, and I should fight because Troy deserves better than me standing here feeling like this man is the only one I could ever feel this way for. Troy deserves for me to push Brants hands away.

“I’ve missed you. So fucking much.  There’s been nobody since you.  I haven’t even tried to date or move on. That girl was just a friend , we met at work. We flirt.  That’s it.” He says and I shake my head.

“You should move on Brant” I say quietly and then look up at him and it’s a big mistake because his eyes are panicked.  They’re hurt. They’re sad.

“You need to let me go” I say as I try to find the strength to pull away from him.

He shakes his head.

“I can’t do that.” He says and I swallow hard as he brings his face closer.

“I miss your smile….your laugh….I miss making love to you” he says and I hate the way my body screams for that last part.

I’ve never had sex with anyone and had it feel the way it did when Brant made love to me. We fucked dirty , but when he made love to me , i felt it. I felt everything.

“Stay.” He says.

“Just stay here. And talk with me. I want to hear about college.  I want to hear about everyday that you weren’t here. I fucking miss just listening to you talk to me” he says and I feel tears slip down my cheeks as his own eyes water.

“I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you really want, but please. Just for today.  Talk to me baby, please. I need you to talk to me just one last fucking time” he says and I feel my lower lip tremble.

“I just need one more day of you. And I’ll take you however you want to give yourself to me. If you want to yell at me all day, you can.  I just fucking need to be near you” he says and he pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me.

“I may not deserve today , but please…I miss you”

—-

Its almost two am when my phones rings and I groan sleepily and reach for my phone.

“Hello?” I ask groggily without even looking at the caller I.D. 

“Hey beautiful” Troy says over the line and I close my eyes and then realize where I am.

“H-hey” I say nervously my eyes shooting open wide as if he’s caught me,as if he can see that I’m in bed with my ex. Was he even an ex if we were both with other people when we were together?

“You were asleep,   I’m sorry” he says and I lift Brants arm for around me and get out of the bed carefully.

“It’s fine.  It’s fine. What are you doing?” I ask as I walk out of the bedroom , still in my clothes, and go to the kitchen.

“I went out for a bit with some friends, in the Uber on my way home. I fucking miss you Abby” he says and I can tell he’s slightly drunk.

“How much did you have to drink?” I ask and he just chuckles.

“Not much.  Just a few beers and a shot” he says.

“How you doing baby?” He asks and I remember my breakdown on the phone with him earlier.

“I’m….” I pause. “I don’t know.  Can we talk about it tomorrow?” I ask.

“Of course baby. Get some rest. I’ll call you in the morning.” He says and I reply with a soft mhm.

“Night gorgeous” he says.

“Night” I say and end the call and then look at my phone already dreading tomorrow morning. Having to talk to my boyfriend over the phone about something as important as what happened today.

I’d stayed like Brant asked me to. I was angry for most of the day, but my idiotic tendencies won and I let myself fall into our past.  I let myself play pretend.  I pretended we were friends.  I pretended that we were just two people spending time together innocently. Even thought the whole day I fought to let myself have his hands on me or his lips on my mouth.

It was like I could feel his hands on me anytime I looked at him. The ghost of all the touches he ever gave me , were laying their memories on my skin.

I’d look at his mouth and find myself tilting my head to the side with a memory of his mouth on my neck and his tongue slipping over my flesh and his breath in my ear.

We didn’t kiss.  We didn’t touch again after I told him I’d only stay if he promised not to touch me or try anything.

He kept to his word , but apparently sometime during the night , his body found mine even though we’d slept with our backs to one another on the opposite sides of the bed.

I’d woken up with his chest against my back and his arm around me.

I hated how much I missed that.

——

“You an early riser now?” He asks as he comes into the kitchen at just before dawn, when the sky outside is just starting to brighten.

I smile over my cup of coffee. Using the “hers” mug I bought.

“No. Couldn’t sleep.” I say. And he nods and scratches his stomach, lifting his hand up his shirt slightly as he stretches.  I flick my eyes down , away from his slightly exposed hips and the way his pajama pants sag slightly when he stretches and reveal a line of dark hair right above his pants.

“Who called?” He asks as he walks over to the coffee pot and pours himself a cup in his mug I bought.

“When?” I ask.

“Last night. Heard you get up” he says.

“Oh.  Yeah.  Troy did” I say and he pauses slightly but then turns and walks over to the table and sits down.

“How’d you sleep?” I ask trying to avoid talking about Troy. About how I dont even know what I’m going to tell him. I’ll tell him the truth obviously. I refuse to lie. But I don’t know where I stand with him. Or where he’ll stand with me after I tell him. Because no matter that we didn’t touch or do anything, I still slept in the same bed as someone I used to be intimate with. That was still cheating. To me anyways. And if Troy still wanted me, did I want him to? Or did I want the gruff voiced man sitting across from me sipping his coffee to spend the next days making up to me the broken heart he gave to me?

“Better than I’ve slept in months” he says with a little smile.

“I know I shouldn’t say it, but. I miss falling asleep with you. Even if you were on the other side of the bed.” He says.

I just nod once and then take another drink of coffee.

He sighs. “So, you drink coffee now?” He asks and I give a small smile and nod.

Because it reminds me of you, you beautiful bastard. But I don’t tell him that. But it does, I drink it to taste the bitterness in my mouth, the deep rich taste that he would leave on my lips and tongue when we’d kiss right after he drank it. He always tasted like coffee. I’d loved it. Even though I hated coffee. But here I was.  An addict. Finding ways to keep him while telling myself I was getting over him.  

He leans over and peeks into the cup.

“No cream or sugar?” He asks. I shake my head.

He smiles. And I wonder if he knows exactly why I’ve picked up drinking coffee.

“Do you have plans for today?” He asks.

I shake my head. “Not really. I was just going to do some last minute shopping for a few cousins” I say and he nods.

“You should…”he pauses. “I ….I want another day with you.” He says.

I lick my lips, tasting the coffee, tasting him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I say.

He looks down at his mug and then back up at me.

“We could decorate.” He says.

I give a half laugh. “What?”

“The house” he says and gestures around.

“We could get some lights.  A tree.  Decorate that and put lights in the windows” he says and I feel my heart swell.  He wants to play pretend.  He wants to have a pretend Christmas with me.

“I don’t think we should.” I say.

He gives a small sigh and look of defeat.

“We could do something else then, anything you want.” He says.

“I….” I pause. “I have stuff to do”

“Abigail , you just told me you didn’t have plans.  Come on.  It’ll be fun. Just you and me.” He says and I look at him.

“I know this isn’t cheating ….but it feels like it.” I say and he frowns slightly.

“I’m sorry” he says. “ I just, I’m selfish. I just. I can’t help it.  You have no idea what it feels like to just be near you again” he says.

“Yes I do.” I say and he lifts his eyes to mine and I see the hope in them.

“That’s why it feels like cheating Brant.” I tell him.

“Because I have a boyfriend, who cares about me, and I care about him, but I’m sitting here with you…wanting to pretend again.  To pretend this is ours.  To pretend that it’s just us.” I say.

“I never pretended with you Abigail” he says. “Not once” 

“You know what I mean. When we were here in this house, sneaking away from everyone. we pretended like the real world didn’t exist” I say and he nods once and his thumb slips up and down the side of his mug.

“I didn’t pretend the real world didn’t exist. What we had was real. I knew you had Brett and I was married, but this …here in this house…it was still the real world for me. And god, I’d never been happier than in this house with you.” He says.

“You were my entire world Abigail. You still are. And I took too long to prove it to you. I gave you my words but not my actions and I’m so sorry I screwed it up for us.” He says and look away from his eyes and the compete sincerity in them. The regret. The pain.

“I can’t stay with you Brant. It’s not right.” I say and he tightens his lips.

He looks angry.

“You can.  You won’t.” He says.

“I can if I want to feel like shit. But I’d prefer not to feel any worse than I do for betraying Troy.” I say and he lets out a deep sigh.

“I want to make love to you Abigail. And I want to  every fucking day for the rest of my life. You can go. Fine.  But don’t leave here not knowing that I’m all in. I’m yours. I’m so fucking yours baby. And if you want me.  If you don’t fucking love him and you still love me. I’m here.  I’m waiting. And I’ll fucking wait until you realize that this….what were both feeling.  What we’ve felt since day fuckin one, it’s not going away.  You can’t erase me with some college boy.  No matter how good he is to you.  You know that you belong with me Abigail. You fucking know it”