EroticReverie

Annalise 

I’d fucked up.  I knew I did.  I had no excuse other than when Malcom left, I’d turned into someone else.  Barely even a person.  I was hollow and empty and a month after he was away my friends convinced me to go to a party. Where I drank too much and made the worst decision and one I’d forever regret.  

I couldn’t even blame it on being too intoxicated. Because while I was definitely drunk and so was his brother Josh, we both knew exactly what we were doing. I didn’t know Josh’s excuse for what he did, nor did I care.

He was a year older than Malcom, he obviously looked similar to him , even though his hair was shorter and he looked more like your all American boy than Malcoms long haired bad boy look.

I was so hurt, and so angry with Malcom. I was picturing him screwing other girls , flirting with them, kissing them. I pictured him doing all the things we did , with someone else. I could say I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong , but the truth was , while his brother was inside of me , I felt satisfaction. Victory knowing that even though he didn’t know I was fucking his brother , I had done something to hurt him far worse than he hurt me.

A lover scorned, I’d let his brother between my legs and give me the most unfulfilling five minutes of my sexual history.

I cried for days afterward. Stayed home from school because I’d made myself sick crying so hard over what I’d done. And I vowed to take it to my grave.

Well. That plan failed obviously.

It was good that it was out. A weight had been lifted in a sense , I no longer held that dirty little secret. Yet, the weight on my chest , the pressure on my lungs feelings they would burst as I hyperventilated with sobs wracking my body, replaces the lifted weight.  And it weighs so much more because I hurt him. I wasn’t that girl. I wasn’t that girl that did things like that.  But.  I was.  I’d done it.

“Anna?” My friend and roommate Lizzie says quietly from the door.

“What happened babe?” She asks with a sad frown.

Lizzie was Malcoms biggest cheerleader. Ever since he’d came back she was rooting for us to rekindle our high school sweetheart relationship.  

“He knows” I say through a sob.

“He knows what? ……..oh” she says when I give her a look.

“How ? How would he?” Shes asks.

“I told him” I say.

“Oh Anna.” She shakes her head and runs over to the bed and throws her arms around me and pulls me to her chest.

“I’m so sorry” she says and she’s crying right along with me.

“Why would you tell him Anna?” She asks.

“He asked!” I cry and then through my sobs explain what happened.  How i confessed to sleeping with his own brother while he was inside of me.

“Jesus babe.  Shit.  I’m so sorry” she says and I shake my head.

“I regret it. I regret it so much. It’s the only thing in my life I wish I could take back, the only thing I’d erase.” I say.

“Listen to me.  What you did.  Yes. It was shitty.” She says and I choke on a sob.

“BUT …you were so in love Anna…I’d never seen shit like that. Not even with my own parents. Watching you two was like some sickening romance hallmark movie , no offense. It was adorable” she says and I let out a blubbering sob and laugh.

“But he left you babe. He broke up with you. He broke your fucking heart. And we all do messed up shit we regret when our emotions are a mess and our head isn’t clear and all we’re either filled with is sadness or anger over what happened.  You sought revenge for the pain.  Was it right? No. But you know that.  But …unfortunately ….I get it.  If someone I loved hurt me the way that Malcom did to you.  I mean….you were practically suicidal. “ she says.

“I was not” I say and wipe my nose with the blanket that I have wrapped up over my chest.

“Well. You sure fucking seemed like you were.” She says and I shake my head.

“He’s never going to forgive me” I say and wipe my eyes.

Her hand comes to my bare back and she rubs it.

“It’s Malcom babe. Give him time. He loves you.  The guy truly fucking loves you. You’ll work it out.” She says , always the optimist.

I huff a laugh of disbelief through my tears and give her a look.

“I’m a hopeless romantic !!! I can’t help it!!!! And you and Malcom are MADE or each other. Everyone knew it. Everyone KNOWS it. Everyone feels the fucking tension when they’re around you two.” She says.

“I wouldn’t forgive me.” I say.  

“If he’d slept with you.” I say because she’s the closest thing I have to a sibling.

“You’ve already forgiven him for tearing your heart out of your chest.” She says.

“He owes you the same.” She says.

“It’s not the same Lizzie, I fucked his brother” I say with a disgusted self hatred and tears pour from my eyes.

“Well no. But. I don’t know. I just.  I know it’s a big fucking deal.  And I’m not saying that he won’t be pissed for a really long time. But there’s no way that he will stop loving you. Like. Ever.” She says and I look at her blinking tears from my eyes.

“I’m a terrible person” I say and choke on another sob  

“you know that’s not true.  You’re a good person.  Who did a terrible thing.” She says and I look at her and realize that I have the worlds absolute best friend. She comforts me but doesn’t let me get away with anything. She holds me just as accountable as I would want a friend to. She does it without coming across judgey or cruel. She does it but with understanding.

“I love you” I say to her and she smiles and grabs my face.

“I love you too babe” she says and then wraps her arms around me again.

“And I’m not gonna watch you lay in bed crying over him again. We’re not doing it Anna” she says and sniffle.

“Just for today” I say and she shakes her head.

“Nope. Cause if I give you today. You’ll ask for tomorrow too. We’re gonna get you out of the house and we’re gonna fucking party.  I’ll let you get blasted even. And you can cry when you’re drunk in bed later tonight. But for now.  You’re gonna wash your face , get dressed , and we’re gonna go max out my fathers credit card and buy new bathing suits for the bonfire on the beach tonight.

“I can’t go to that. He’ll be there.” I tell her.

“If he’s there. Well leave” she says.

I roll my eyes. “He’s gonna be there” 

“Nope. Cause he’ll probably be at home in bed moping” she says.

“Lizzie!” I say and burst back into tears.

“Oh shit. I’m sorry.  But it’s true! And let him.  Listen , I know what you did was crappy, but let HIM cry over YOU.  LET HIM SIT IN BED AND REALIZE WHAT YOU DID WAS A CONSEQUENCE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS!!!” She raises her voice and I just look her.

“You’re absolutely insane” I tell her.

“Sorta” she shrugs and I laugh through my tears.

“Cmon.  Wash your face. Get dressed and let me take you shopping and be your suga momma for the day” she wiggles her shoulder and I laugh.

“Didnt your dad tell you no more unnecessary purchases?” I ask.

She balks at me.

“I’ve never had anything more necessary than this!” She says and I laugh.

“Now scoot! Get your sweet little ass out of bed and get ready!”

—-

We go to the mall where we each pick out a new swim suit. Lizzie buys a cute coverup and a new pair of sunglasses and insists I pick something else out. I lie and say there’s nothing I want. I let her buy me a bathing suit.  That was enough.

After walking through the mall and Lizzie seriously exercising her ability to swipe that little rectangle of plastic we go to Rosalitas for lunch and binge eat chimichangas and endless chips and salsa.  

When walking out to the parking lot and to the side of the restaurant where we parked Lizzie gasps. My eyes lift and my head jerks.

“What?!” I ask as she grabs my wrist and I follow her line of sight.

Walking away from the dumpster is Josh.  
a severely beat up Josh. His eye is swollen and looks like a fresh black eye. And there’s a cut on his lip and a bandage on his nose.

He notices were stopped and he pauses.

“Oh shit” Lizzie gasps.

For some reason the thought of what Malcom might do to Josh for sleeping with me never even crossed my mind. Until now.

“Do you think…no….no he wouldn’t” she says but yes.  Malcom would. He most definitely would.  And he did.  

I feel my nerves light up and my arms and hands start to tremble.

He slips his hands into his pockets as he walks over.  

“Why is he coming over here?” Lizzie whispers.  

“So much for taking it to the grave Anna” he says before I can move or say anything.

“I…” I freeze. I don’t feel bad. Maybe I should. I only feel bad for Malcom. Not Josh. He deserves the consequences of what we did as much as I do.  Maybe not to this extent.  But. A lover scorned.  Malcom was the scorned lover. And his brother was paying his debt.

“I have to say” he says and he gives a little smirk.

“It still was worth it.” He says.

My head rears back. Did he…not feel bad? Did he seriously not care that we’d done something that might likely ruin his relationship with his own brother forever?  I didn’t talk to Josh at all after that night. He’d tried to call once a few days after and I’d ignored the call and never spoke to him again.

“Josh” I say stunned.

“Dont feel bad Anna , he’s the one who left you up for grabs.” He says and shrugs.

“What did he expect honesty?” He gives a slight laugh.  

I could not believe this right now.

“And now that he’s clearly out of the picture, for both of us, I think it’s due time we go another round” he says and I feel like I might fucking throw up.

I shake my head. “No. Fuck no” I say.

He raises a brow. Then he lets out a laugh.

“why not doll face?” He laughs and steps closer.

“You don’t think he’ll want you NOW do you?” He laughs. “Oh, you do” he says when he sees the visible flinch I make at his words.

Someone from the building calls his name.

“Get back to work!” A mans voice calls.

“Coming!” He yells back and then looks to me and grins.

“You know where to find me Anna” he gives a wink.

“I’ll text you” he says.

“Please DONT” I say and he laughs.

“Disgusting” Lizzie says when he’s out of ear shot.

“I…can’t believe him” I say.

“I can. Dude always sent off douche vibes.” She says and I just shake my head.

“Come on let’s go” she says and finishes walking to the car and we both get in.

The entire drive back all I can picture is Josh’s beat up face and an angry Malcom giving him those bruises and cuts. He beat up his own brother.  Over me.

I don’t know why , and I feel guilty for it, but knowing that, gives me hope. Hope that Malcom loves me enough to let me explain at the very least.  And hope that at the very most, he’ll forgive me.