EroticReverie

Malcom

We were quiet as the shower stopped, and I sipped my coffee and Lizzie finished her bagel and we listened to Annalise's footsteps leave the bathroom and go to her room. 

I waited a bit in the kitchen as me and Lizzie whispered as we spoke, and after 15 minutes Lizzie texted her. 

"I'm telling her there are bagels." she says. 

I nod. 

When there's no response a few minutes later, Lizzie frowns and then shrugs. 

"Maybe I should go check on her?" she asks. I shake my head and stand up. 

"I'll do it." I say and she lights up with a smile. 

"Calm down Lizzie." I say patting her head.  She gives a little laugh and I walk through the apartment to her door and knock. 

"I'm fine" she calls to the door, but her voice is cracking, and I turn the knob and open the door. 

"Seriously Lizzie, I'm fine" she sniffles with her back to the door, on her side on the bed, already with a pile of used up tissues in front of her. 

I was still conflicted. Part of me thinking she SHOULD be crying for what she did. But, if it happened right after I left...and she's been punishing herself for this long. Did she really need to keep punishing herself? Because I was punishing myself for leaving her. The shit didn't feel good. The guilt you carried around, that weighed you down and made everything harder to deal with.  The other part of me knew that Annalise James, should never have to cry a day in her life, that she deserved happiness. That she was inherently good, and had made a mistake.  I missed her. I loved her. I needed to comfort her, because she still was, and would always be mine. 

I walk over to the bed. 

"I made such a fool of myself. He had to take care of me like a fucking baby" she sniffles. 

"And then...oh then.." she laughs , but it's a manic sarcastic laugh. 

"I tell him we would have gotten married!" she says and cries as she wipes her nose with a tissue as I stand a few feet from the bed. 

"I'm such an asshole....i fucking hate this....why...why did he leave me Lizzie?" she breaks into a sob, and in that very second my heart splits and I take the few steps to the bed and lower myself onto it and the second I'm near , and put my arm over her and pull her into me she freezes, her body stiffens.

"Because he was a fucking fool Annalise, that's why." I whisper into the back of her head. 

She's trembling, and doesn't say anything.

I have an overwhelming urge to turn her over and kiss her, and then make love to her right here and now. But I know this isn't the time. And I know both of our minds are a mess right now, and that I need time to figure out if I can really work this out with her. Because it's not just about me forgiving her, and her forgiving me. It's about being able to forgive ourselves for the things we did to hurt each other. 

"He left because he was an idiot...because he made a fucking mistake...and he never should have left you behind....ever..." I whisper and she chokes on her sob. 

"I should be furious Annalise...and part of me is.....but I'm more angry with myself....because I convinced myself it was good for us.....when all it did was ruin us both...I  know you're sorry...I know you regret it....and like me leaving you...I know you regret it everyday. Don't think I don't know who you are Annalise. " I whisper and she shakes with silent sobs, sniffling.

"But...I can't think about anything right now. I just can't. I need time. You need time. To just process." I say. 

"I don't want anymore fucking time" she sobs. 

I wince, realizing that I'd given her quite enough time, when I left her. 

"Well. I need time." I say and she sobs. 

"We both fucked up." I tell her. 

"I don't doubt that you weren't yourself when you slept with him Annalise, because I know you....but...it still happened. And I....I just need a few days. To think about things. If I can forgive that. " I say honestly. 

"I have no question about whether or not I fucking love you Annalise" I tell her and hold her tighter. 

"Because I do. And I always will." I say and she squeaks a tiny little cry that she tries to hold back. 

"But I just found this out....you've had longer to process my mistake...I just need a bit." I say. 

"I love you" she cries. 

When she turns in my arms , the look on her face, it fucking kills me.  Then I realize this is what Lizzie saw then I left having to look at this face everyday. She looked hopeless, she looks utterly broken and her eyes, her beautiful green eyes were pouring tears. 

"I'm so sorry" she whimpers. 

"I'll do anything Mal...anything." she says and then slips her arm around me and hugs herself to me hard. 

"Please don't go" she pleads into my shirt. 

"Just hold me" she cries. 

I swallow hard and wrap my arm back around her and hold her to me as she cries into my chest, and my own silent tears fall down my cheeks. 

I did this. I tore us apart by leaving. She made the choice to sleep with Josh. She tried to stay away when I tried to talk to her while I was away, and avoided me as much as she could when I came back to town. 

After a bit of just laying there with her,  she lifts reaches up and wipes her face. 

"Why don't you go clean your face" I tell her and she nods. 

I watch her in pajama shorts and a tank top as she leaves the room. I sit up on the bed and run a hand through my hair. I felt stupid. Any normal person wouldn't be here right after their ex confesses sleeping with their brother. But I keep telling myself, we weren't together. She did it because I broke up with her, and ruined her.  I think about Lizzie and the tears in her eyes when she spoke to me in the kitchen , telling me how scared she was that Annalise would do something to harm herself. I hated that I'd made that much of a mess, by being so fucking stupid and breaking up with her. 

I lift my head when she walks back in, she has her wet hair up in a messy bun, and I can't help but look at her body. The tiny little shorts she has on exposing her long legs, the tight little tank top that looks like it's painted onto the best breasts I've ever seen in my life, and her nipples are slightly hard. My eyes flick up to hers. 

"Come here, please." I say my voice quiet and she closes the door behind her and she walks over to me slowly and stands in front of me as I look up at her and pull her gently by her hips between my legs. 

I look at her freckles, her mouth, her gorgeous green eyes and let out a breath. 

She reaches her hand to my shoulder and then gently lifts it to my face, her thumb stroking my cheek. 

"I don't deserve you Mal." she says quietly. "But, I want you anyways." she tells me and a small piece of my heart finds it's way back into place. 

"You can hate me for what I did." she says and I sigh, knowing that I could never hate her. 

"I know neither of us will forget how the other hurt them....and to be honest...I'm still working on the forgiving part of you leaving....even if it let us have freedom that we may have needed to grow up a little, experience other people, or whatever.  I was sure Malcom. I didn't need those years apart. I didn't want them. All I did was miss you, the entire fucking time" she says softly and takes a moment to take a breath so she doesnt start to cry again. Her other hand goes to the other side of my face.

"This face..." she says, and her eyes look over mine with the same awe that I look at her with. 

"I thought about this face everday." she whispers.

"I'm sorry Annalise. I don't know what else to say besides I'm sorry." I say.

"Why didn't you love me enough to keep me?" she says her voice cracking. 

"I never loved anyone more." I say. 

"then why" she asks. 

I shake my head. "I don't have a good enough answer to have it make sense. Nothing I can say is good enough. You deserve an explanation that makes sense Annalise. But I don't have one. The only reason I have, is that I was just fucking dumb. I let people influence me, let them make me believe it was good for us." I give a huff at how ridiculous it sounds, and how dumb I truly fucking was. 

"But that's not good enough...it's not a good enough reason for hurting you..and I don't know what to do. I had you, I loved you, we were so fucking perfect together." I say and I swallow hard and her lower lip trembles. 

"I shouldn't have broken up with you." I shake my head. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking."

She gives a single nod, and I turn my head slightly and kiss one of her palms. 

"Why him?" I ask, since were asking questions to help us understand what we did. 

"He was there." she says simply. 

"And I was...I was being reckless...not just with what happened with him....but....I...didn't care much about anything when you broke up with me. I did stupid shit, a lot of it. All I thought about was self destructing. I knew it would hurt you." she says and looks down. "But I knew it was going to ruin me too. So I did it. I'd succeeded in ruining myself even further, because I wanted to die afterward. I just...I guess I'm the same. I don't have an excuse that's going to make it any better." she says and sighs , and I do too and I just lean my head forward and press my forehead to her stomach as I hold her hips, and slip my hands to her lower back. 

I let out a long breath as her one hand slips over my hair and then her fingers slip into it, and she pushes her finger nails gently over my scalp. I close my eyes. 

"I want a happy ending Mal." she says quietly. 

I wrap my arms around her and pull her into me, and onto my lap until she's straddling me, and god I just love her on me, the way she seems to fit so perfect with me no matter how I hold her. 

Her hands are still in my hair and I stare at her mouth. 

"I do too." I say and then look into her eyes.

"so...we try then." she says. 

I look into her eyes and she gives me a hopeful look, her eyes pleading to give us a chance. I knew we still had more to talk about, I had questions I needed answers to, even if I thought I already knew them. I needed to hear them from her. But, I knew I wasn't walking away again without giving us another shot.  I give a single nod.

"We try."