EroticReverie

Two Days Later

Nicolette

It’d been a few days since spending most of the day at Daniel’s. It was all I could think about. How softly we made love, then how hard we’d made love. 

The guilt was consuming me. Though nobody would be able to tell. Which made it even worse. It made me realize what a terrible person I was. Being able to carry on an affair with Daniel without Claudia even knowing. Sure she knew that we were having sex. But she had no idea what was truly going on beyond the attempt of getting pregnant. 

I didn’t want to tell Claudia. But…I either had to, or I had to stop this with Daniel. Claudia didn’t deserve to have her wife fall in love with another person. Especially her own brother. 

The darker part of my mind tried to tell me that this was her fault too. She’d been the one to suggest it in the first place. Using her brother as the one to get me pregnant the old fashioned way again. But I knew better. This wasn’t her fault. Not in the slightest. 

Sitting across from her at the dinner table as she helps Nikolai spoon his dinner into his mouth , smiling at him with such adoration that my stomach twists to know I’ve ruined this family. To know she has no idea that her perfect family , isn’t so perfect.

When her eyes lift to me for a moment her face pinches. 

“Babe, what’s wrong?” She asks and my eyes flick up to hers. I don’t realize it till she says it. 

“Why are you crying?” She asks and places the plastic spoon into Nikolais little hand then gets up out of her seat. Pulling another beside me and sitting down as shake my head and look down , tears streaming down my face silently as I hold back the sobs wanting to escape. 

“Nic…” she says gently and places her hands on me. One on my arm the other on my leg and tries to turn me in my seat to face. I move my feet to turn and face her. 

“I can’t do this” I say shakily. 

“Do what babe?” She says stroking my hair , grabbing my face gently. 

“With Daniel” I say. 

She pauses. “Okay…but…why…what’s going on ? Did he say something? Did something happen?” She asks and I shake my head. 

“It’s different than last time” I sniff. 

She keeps stroking my hair and holds my face. 

“Babe, tell me whats going on” she says softly. 

“I’m a terrible wife” I choke on a sob. 

“Shhh, babe , stop” she says and pulls me close , cradling my head to her shoulder as I grab onto her. 

“I love you so much” I cry. 

“Baby” she whispers. “I love you too Nic. Always. Tell me what’s wrong” 

I lift my head and look to Nikolai who watches me sob and I turn my head not wanting him to see me cry. 

“Sad” he says. And I cry a bit harder. 

“Mommy is okay Nikolai” Claudia says. “Eat your food like a good boy”

Claudia pulls me up out of the chair and we walk to the next room and she sits me on the couch. 

“Talk to me Nic, you’re scaring me babe” she says. 

“I’m confused” I say crying. 

“About what ?” She asks. 

I sniffle. Wiping my my tears with the back of my hand. Claudia walks quickly to to the kitchen , bringing back a box of tissues and handing them to me. 

How much do I tell her? Do I tell her all of it? The way I betrayed her by trying to NOT get pregnant? 

I take a deep shaky breath as she waits for me to continue to talk. 

“The first time I got pregnant with Daniel. Things were easy. It was so clinical and there weren’t any…there wasn’t ….we weren’t close then you know?” I ask and she nods. 

“Then since Nikolai was born, he’s been around a lot. Which. I love. And I know you do too. He helps us a lot. And he’s so good with him. “ I say and she nods. 

“I know babe” she says and lifts a hand to my face swiping a tear away. 

“Before there wasn’t …wasn’t any connection to Daniel….it was nothing more than platonic feelings….and…” I start to shake and she holds my hands. 

“I’m just so confused” I cry. 

Her thumbs graze the back of my hands. 

“And this time…I just…it’s felt more than just two people trying to clinically make a baby” I say. 

She squeezes my hands. 

“I…I didn’t want this Claudia” I sob. 

She pulls me into her again. 

She hugs me tight and is silent.  But I can feel her own body shaking as she starts to cry along with me. 

“There’s feeling there this time” I cry. My voice scratching and squeaking. 

She pulls back and looks at me. 

I look up at her , seeing her beautiful eyes full of tears and for a moment I want to lie and say it’s fine. That it’s all just stupid confusion and hormones. But I wasn’t so sure I was truly confused. I loved Daniel. I knew the thoughts I had in secret. Of what it would be like if it were just him and I.  But I can’t lie to her. It’s not fair to lie to her when I love her so much. 

“I’m in love with him Claudia” I blurt out. 

Her eyes blink. Her body freezing. 

“I’m still so fucking in love with you” I cry. “But. This time…it’s just been…I wasn’t able to separate my feelings from it…and…it just…I didn’t want this to happen, but…it did, and I’m so fucking sorry.” I cry as she still sits frozen. Her eyes tearing away from mine. Her hands slipping from mine and I sob as I watch them leave my own hands. 

“You can hate me. I deserve it” I say and she looks up at me and shakes her head. 

“I can never hate you” she says and swipes her own tears. 

“But I deserve it” I tell her and she shakes her head. 

“I don’t hate you Nic, not even a little bit. I just….I…. I should’ve known better.” She says and sniffle and shake my head. She was going to blame herself. My perfect selfless wife was blaming herself for what was happening. 

“You know…I….I talked to my therapist about this the first time. And talked to her again when we decided to try to do it this way again. And….I worried about this happening.  Because… I know we’ve all grown closer. And…I see the way you two look at each other sometimes.  And …even before we decided to start again, I noticed it” she says and looks down and it’s my turn to freeze. 

“But. I just thought…it was my imagination. Or that you two just really bonded , but…you made a baby together…and he’s practically helped us raise it…so it only makes sense that…that you two would have a bond that me and you didn’t have. “ she cries. 

“Claudia” my voice shakes. 

“I don’t blame you Nic….or him….but it made me feel like….like sometimes…you didn’t need me. Or want me…but…I know you well enough. I mean, I married you for Christ’s sake. I know that you love me. I’ve never questioned that. But , I… I was selfish. I wanted another baby. With you. Even knowing the risk I was taking when I knew how close you two had become.” She says. 

“I should’ve never asked that of you. Either of you.” She says. 

“I wanted a second baby too” I say. 

She shakes her head. 

“No, I know that. But….I should’ve talked to you first,…about my feelings about you and Daniel.  And I didn’t.  Because I thought it would just create a problem…” she gives a slight laugh of pain. “But look at us now…with an even bigger problem” 

“When his ex broke up with him for wanting to help us again, I knew she was right. Her reasoning for not wanting Daniel to help us again. It made so much sense to me. Because. I had the same worries that she did. That there was more to it this time. It wouldn’t be easy for you to not see him as the father of Nikolai when you were together. That you two shared something we can never share together” she says. 

“I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t fucking hurt Nik, because, it does. It hurts so fucking much” she cries and my heart breaks and I feel like I’m going to throw up with how much my stomach is turning. 

“But. I know you.” She says and looks up at me. 

“And I love you.  So much” she says. 

“I love you too” I croak. 

“Are you really in love with him?” She asks her on voice cracking. 

I nod once. 

She breaks into a sob. 

“Do you want to be with him?” She asks and I shake my head. 

“I want YOU, I always have wanted you, I love you. I’m so in love with you. And that’s never changed. I just….It just happened. That I ended up letting the lines blur. Not on purpose. They just..did” I say. 

“I don’t know what to do” I say. 

“Me either” she cries and swipes her cheeks. 

“I think we should stop for now” I tell her and she nods. 

“And…and maybe sit down with Daniel. All three of us , and…just talk openly.” I say. 

She nods and looks up at me. 

“Is he in love with you?” She asks and my faces tightens as I wince slightly. 

She laughs and shakes her head as she cries. 

“Of course he is.” She cries. “I’m such a fool” 

It kills me. Absolutely kills me to see her blame herself. 

“You are not a fool , not even close. This is …it’s a situation none of us planned on or wanted to happen. But. It has and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop it. Or just ignore it. I’m sorry I betrayed you” I say and she looks up at me. 

“How long have you known you loved him?” She asks swiping her tears. 

I swallow hard. 

“For awhile, I think.” I say honesty and she chokes on a sob and nods and looks down. 

“I wasn’t sure. Because , I thought i was just confused.  Or I dont know. But I thought I’d be able to end up separating those feelings from it. But then they just, they snowballed.” I say. 

She nods. 

“I looked it up you know.  Other people who try the same way we have.  Use a male to get pregnant the old fashioned way.  And some of them had success , no problems with it, and other that had the same thing happen. Where the biological mother ends up attached to the father.” She says. 

“I spoke with a few women. Some of them the partner , some of them the biological mother. And they warned me Nik.  That id been lucky to have it not happen the first time.  That it was inevitable if I asked him to do it a second time for us.” She says.  

“But I didn’t listen” she adds quietly. 

“And now…now what?” She asks and I shake my head. 

“I love you. I don’t want to lose you. Ever” I tell her. 

She nods. “Me either. But…” she swallows. 

“You love him too” she says quietly. Sniffling. 

“I can’t just ignore that. I can’t just pretend I don’t know you’re in love with someone else too” she says and both of cry a bit harder. 

“I don’t know what to do” I admit. 

“Me either” she shakes her head. 

We look at each other.  Tears streaming down our faces. 

Nikolai starts to cry. 

She wipes her cheeks. 

“We can talk more after we put him to bed” she says. 

I nod as she gets up and I listen to her as she walks out of the room to tend to him. Talking to him as she cleans him up and takes him out of his chair. 

I watch as she carries him upstairs for a bath. 

I take out my phone.  And I call Daniel.