EroticReverie

Carson James

I stand in the back door way, watching all four of our children play in the yard. My eyes drifting to my wife, the back of her head as it crooks slightly to the side. The nurse sitting with her, reading a book to her. 

This was our life now. Through sickness and in health. Here we were, having to deal with the sickness part far too soon. Just when we thought the cancer was gone for good, it came back, uglier than ever. 

Again her hair was gone, again she slept more than anything, too weak to do much, needing the nurses assistance because she was too proud to let her own husband bathe her or help her go to the bathroom. 

Through her first time with the breast cancer it was rough, the second time even harder. Both times we hired a nanny for the kids, so I could spend more time taking care of the kids. The nanny we used, hadn't been available this time, as she was out of state working for another family, but gave a list of names, recommending her niece who was getting into being a nanny, or au pair. 

My eyes flick to her now, out in the yard with the kids. Chasing them, running around with them. I lift my glass, sipping the expensive whiskey as I allow myself a guilt filled gaze at her legs, her breasts, her smile and her long ponytail bouncing around behind her as she runs after Kevin and Kendall my two youngest. 

She'd been with us for two months now, helping with the kids, getting them to school, watching Kendall our four year old during the day. Helping to do chores around the house. 

I stayed my distance from Daniella. Because I hated the way I looked at her. The way I wanted to keep looking, and see so much more of her. What kind of man crushes on the live in nanny , while his wife is fucking sick with Cancer?  I hated myself for the feelings the twenty year old brunette stirred inside me. The way I looked at her more longingly that I did my own wife. 

I couldnt help the intrusive thoughts that banged against my brain begging me to acknowledge them. 

Fucking her. That was the top one.  The constant intrusive thought that kept me awake at night, shamefully jerking myself off in the bathroom mid day or morning, or night. Constantly thinking about fucking her. 

That wasn't even the worst thought I had. 

Because watching her like this, running around with the kids. I pretend she's their mother. I pretend like I got a second chance, with a healthy wife. Fucked up, right? 

I love my wife. I've been there, god have I fucking been there. It's a shitty thing to say, but I was tired. I was angry. Not at her. But just with life. And , okay, maybe with her. I couldn't help it. I was angry. She wasnt supposed to fucking get sick. She wasnt supposed to cut our lives together short. Sure I knew she didnt want this either and that it wasnt truly her fault. But I was angry with her. Angry with her for telling me that she wouldnt do anymore treatments. That she couldnt do it. 

Is she got to give up like that...then yeah...I was fucking angry. I might not understand what she was going through, but I'd never have given up on her, on us, or the kids. 

The doctors estimate? Three to six months. 

That's how long I had to watch her die in front of me, not even trying anymore to stay. It wasn't fair. I know it's not fair to her either, being robbed of a life with her husband and her kids. But she's just giving up. 

My nostrils flare as I find myself now staring at the back of my wifes head. 

I take another long drink, and look out into the yard. My jaw clenching at the the way Daniella's bent over, tickling Kendall my four year old. 

Her tits hanging, my dick stirring in my pants as the loose t shirt, shows her perky tits without a bra, catching a glimpse of her nipple, and even from this far away, it's the most action I've had in over a year now. 

---

I'm in my office, going over bill after bill after bill from all of Lynn's hospital visits, shoving my head into my hands. Hearing the movement of my children upstairs as Daniella gets them ready for bed. 

I pour another glass of whiskey, more than I should, and can hear the movement of the electrical hospital bed in our bedroom as the nurse helps Lynn get situated. I grit my teeth. We don't even sleep in the same bed. I can't ask her to sleep in our bed when I know it's easier for her to sleep in the electric bed that props her up and elevates her legs. But god damnit, I missed my fucking wife. 

The sickness had taken everything from us. And it took our sex life...all of it. And now it had taken something as simple as being able to lay in the same fucking bed as her. 

"Carson?" , her voice startles me from my angry quiet tantrum in my head and I look up. 

I can't help but look at her in her shorts, and shirt, that's hanging slightly off her shoulder. Her god damn nipples poking through. 

"Yes?" I answer her, clenching my jaw and looking at her face. 

"Um, Kendall wants a kiss goodnight" she says, her hand on the door knob to my office. 

"She'll be fine. I have to finish this." I say and look away from her and back down at the bills. 

I put my head in my hands , elbows to the desk wondering how the fuck hospital bills can be so fucking expensive. We were well off, but not this fucking well off. 

I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I see Daniella jerk her hand back. 

"Sorry - I"

"What are you doing?" I ask, angrily. 

"I just...it will only take a few minutes...she's your daughter." she says and I heave a heavy breath, knowing she's right and I get up and move from around my desk and go upstairs to tell Kendall good night, as well as the other three in their rooms. 

When I come back down, I don't expect it. But she's still there. Sitting in a chair to the side of the room, waiting for me to return. 

"What are you still doing here?" I ask gruffly and take a seat at my desk. 

"You're set for the night. You can go." I say, waving a hand dismissing her. 

"Am I....have I done something wrong?" she asks. 

I lift my eyes from the paper to her. "What? No." I say. 

"You're just...I don't know...it seems like you don't like me very much...and I dont know if it's thre stress, or if it's something I did...I just want to make sure it's not something I did. If it's the stress, then okay, " she says, rubbing her thighs nervously.  "If thats what it is i'll never bring it up again, i just want to make sure youre not going to fire me, cause if its something i did then i -"

"Daniella." I say cutting her off. Her big brown eyes looking up and blinking. Jesus christ. 

I take a deep breath. 

"You've done nothing wrong." I say and she exhales and nods. 

"Oh..okay" she says and looks away. 

"Is there..anything I can do to...I don't know...improve? anything that would make you happier?" she asks. 

I feel my cock twitch in my pants. Knowing damn well that's NOT what she's offering. And knowing damn well I'm a bastard for wanting it. 

"You're great with the children, you do more than enough around the house. There's nothing else I can ask of you. I'm...I'm sorry if I'm short with you. I assure you it's nothing you've done." I tell her and she nods, and twists her hands in her lap, fidgetting. 

"You can talk to me if you want." she says and I just look at her, until she looks up. 

"I mean...if you need someone to talk to...I know it cant be easy....but...it can help, just to simply vent, or get it all out." she says. 

"Are you offering me therapy as well as nannying and housekeeping?" I ask, and she blushes and shakes her head. 

"No. Just a friend." she says and god, I've been a fucking asshole to her. It's not her fault i've been having an affair with her in my fucking head, hating myself for it. 

"I appreciate that." I say. 

She nods. "Of course."

She stands and goes to walk out of my office.

"Daniella?" I call to her and she turns. 

"I...I really am sorry if I've been abrasive towards you." I say

She gives me a sweet smile and nods. 

"I understand." she replies. 

"See you tomorrow." she says quietly and I nod.