EroticReverie

Valentina

It's been two months since he's been back home from the hospital, two months of nothing more than kisses that felt forced, and me touching him , and him never touching me. Two months of therapy for me, in which I spend most of my time trying to work through how to make him better instead of myself. 

The first few weeks I'd accepted that what we both went through was traumatic, that he needed time just as much as I did.  I know relationships aren't only about sex, but I wanted to be intimate with him more than I've ever wanted to before. I needed to know I was still worthy of him after what his brother and those men did to me. I'd read horror stories of boyfriends and husbands leaving their partner after they were raped. I started crying myself to sleep, especially on the nights my parents would allow me to stay with him, but he'd find some excuse as to why I should just sleep in my own bed. 

The rape should have broken me, and it did. But what was breaking me even more is the fact the guy I finally let myself fall in love with, seemed like he didnt love me anymore. My therpist suggested he himself talk to someone, and when I'd tried to bring up the idea, I was met with resistance, and I dropped it. Not wanting to give him more of a reason to push me away. 

He said he loved me still, but I didn't feel it anymore. Each day was breaking my heart a bit more, we'd just gotten together before all this happened, we didn't even get a chance to be a normal couple. We've already been through so much and I was starting to think he'd given up, that he didn't want to try. That I was the victim in those horror stories I read, with a guy who only hanging onto us out of guilt. I started to let myself think he saw me as tainted goods, not the innocent Valentina he'd loved before. I knew part of it was his own guilt, thinking it was his fault. But I couldnt help but feel like he didn't want me anymore. And maybe I should walk away. My therapist even said as much, but he was hurting too. He had nobody. Sure he had his friends, and they were good friends, they checked on him a lot and were there for him, and for me. They'd actually talked to me about that night and how I was doing more than my own boyfriend had.  Bane hated talking about it, even though I knew it was already on his mind every second of the day, especially when I was around. 

I didn't think tonight was a good idea, but I didn't say anything. Again, not wanting to rock the already sinking boat we were in. Bane was throwing a party. It irked me that he could put effort into a party, but not into us. But again, maybe he didnt want to put effort into us. Maybe he was waiting for me to give him the out, for me to be the one to end things. What was there to even end at this point, we weren't even a couple, that was our title, boyfriend and girlfriend...but I felt none of what youre supposed to feel when you're with someone. I felt alone. Like he was fine with the metaphorical boat sinking and not bothering to even throw me a life vest before we plundered. 

I'd tried a few nights ago to stir something, anything him in, by showing up in a skimpy dress, by undressing in front of him and stripping down into the red lace bra and panties i'd bought specifically for this purpose. Instead of what I'd hope would happen, he ended up peering around me to the television. I wasn't his hot girlfriend, I was just an obstacle in the way him watching football on television. And when I could fight my tears and picked up the dress and put it back on and left his room. He didn't follow me. 

But here I am, standing out by the pool in a white one piece swim suit and jean shorts, sipping beer from a cup as he laughs and smiles , and chats with guys from school. He needs this I tell myself, he needs the normalcy of what life was before it all happened. Tonight would make him feel better, and then we'd get better too. I gulp down the beer and walk over to get another. 

Everyone knows what happened. And I can feel it in their one second too long stares. I can feel the pity, the "poor girl" sympathy, and that's fine. I get it. But the fact he isn't by my side, knowing everyone knows, letting me experience it all by myself. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Hurts that he's smiling for everyone else but me, whether it's a mask or not, I don't care. He doesnt even bother to pretend for me. Not that I want him to pretend, I just want....anything. 

"Hey girl" I hear Francis' voice and turn and lift my lips into a smile. 

"Hey" I say as she opens her arms and wraps me up into a hug. 

when she pulls back I know what he face is asking me. Is he any better? Are you guys any better? 

I just give a half smile and she knows he's not...we're not. 

I'd been talking to Francis, who has become my second therapist, and she doesnt complain and genuinely is there for me, and listens to me cry over Bane, and she gives me hopeful little "he just needs time" or "He loves you. I think he just is still feeling guilty. He'll come around"

Francis sticks by me, and I thank her for not leaving my side and she rolls her eyes as if she's sick of me thanking her for being a good friend. 

Bane doesn't come to me, or check on me at all throughout the night. Kevin and Aiden stop by me a few times here and there, with silent apology in their eyes. They know me and Bane aren't doing good, and I know they hold some kind of bro code , so they can't say out loud that they think he's being a douche bag, but I know they see just how bad it is tonight, when my own boyfriend doesnt even acknowledge I exist. 

"Just have fun" Kevin says. "Let's all just forget for one night what a shitty place the world is, and get rip roaring drunk!" he says already half way there and I give a little laugh. I look over to Aiden and Francis, who just made things official recently and are giving each other eyes that let me know I need to stop hanging onto her side and let her enjoy her night with Aiden. So i excuse myself to go to the bathroom, but I don't need to use the restroom, so I go up into Bane's room. 

I crawl into his bed and I grab his pillow and hug it to my chest because it smells like him, and he hasn't hugged me in days and I just start to cry. I can't explain how much it hurts, the hollow feeling of loving someone so much, and feeling like you don't matter to them. That they know you're hurting without them, and don't care.  I lay in the dark with the music blasting and just cry. 

When they door opens a bit later, I blink at the sliver of light that pours into the room as a guy and girl stumble into the room. I turn over on my side and just as I'm about to open my mouth to say something, I hear it. 

My heart stops, it breaks, completely shatters as I listen to Bane groan and the sound of a zipper as they move, shuffling near the door and her breathy pants, as I lay there , frozen. I want to die. I'm to stunned to even keep on crying, but I lay there, looking at the shadows move near the door as long moan escapes from the girls mouth and he groans.  

I can hear them kissing, hear them touching, hear him stripping down and their clothes hitting the floor. 

"yes" she breathes and I watch as the shadow of a leg lifts around his hip and I watch his shadow move, pushing forward and listen to her let out a gasp. 

"Bane!" she cries his name and any chance that my ears mislead me, or that I don't know every inch of his frame even the dark, the hope that I might have been mistaken, is shattered. 

"yes, yes" she pants with each of his thrusts that make the door rattle. 

"fuck me, fuck me" she pleads. 

I feel like I'm going to throw up, I feel like I actually might die, that I can exctually feel my hear breaking, wanting to stop beating, being ripped apart with each additional thrust he makes. His hips battering her against the door as he batters my heart across the room. 

He didn't want me. What I'd feared was true. So fucking clear to me as I laid there unmoving, not making a fucking peep as I watched him fuck someone else. 

It lasted only a few minutes, but each agonizing second felt like forever as I had witnessed with my own fucking eyes Bane Banks, love of my fucking life, ruin everything. Ruin any chance we had of making this work.  I listen as she pants and he breathes heavily, and she giggles as they both dress in the dark, and I watch him almost fall sideways in the dark as he puts his shorts back on and she laughs, helping him stay up right. 

"Cmon hot stuff" he says, slapping her ass in the dark and opening the door, both of them leaving the room. And I let out a long breath, moments go by and I scream. Getting up out of the bed, I throw my hands on everything, ripping, pulling, smashing, crashing things to the floor. Destroying his room in a rage, my eyes blurry with tears, unable to see a fucking thing through them and the dark and through the music blaring inside and outside the house, nobody comes to check, because nobody hears me as I have a complete fucking melt down and debate throwing myself out the fucking window. It hurts. God. It fucking hurts.  How the fuck could he do this to me after what happened? How many times had he cheated on me since the incident? 

I'm not sure how long I sit on the floor of his destroyed bedroom, hyperventilating and cry so hard I almost puke. What do I do now? I ask as I wipe the last tear I decide i'm going to cry tonight. Just go home? Just go back out there and pretend I didnt see what I saw? Confront him in front everyone, just to embarrass myself even more?

I'm numb as I move up off the floor, as I make my way to bathroom and splash cold water on my face, trying not to cry. 

When I walk outside, deciding to just go home, which unfortunately was in Bane's fucking backyard, I stop because I see Bane, his hands all over the girl as she sits on his lap, proudly smiling as he feels her up and kisses on her neck. While Kevin and Aiden look worried, looking around and trying to clearly keep him out of trouble. Little do they know, I already got a front row seat to his little show. 

Bane can barely keep his head up, it sways side to side as he shrugs his shoulders and waves his hand to bat his friends away. Aiden even goes so far as pulling the girl off his lap and I watch as Bane just leans back and at that moment Kevin's eyes land on me across the party. He stands up straight, the look of panic on his face. How does HE feel guilty? How does he feel more for me than the guy who is supposed to be my boyfriend. 

I walk over and the girl he was with is still there, Aiden trying to talk her into leaving. 

"If he wants me to leave he can tell me." she argues as I step past her. Everyone around Bane is looking at me with a new kind of fucking pity now. And this pity IS all his fault. I don't care how broken he is over what happened, how fucked up it made him, he doesnt get to be the victim when I'm the one who got raped. 

Bane is just sitting there head back and eyes closed, Kevin is just staring at me. Then Bane rolls his head forward and lifts it, his eyes opening, he's fucking sloshed. But I don't give a fuck. 

"Val-en-tina" he says with a lazy smile as I walk over and then just stand there looking down at him as he drunkenly grins at me. 

My lower lip trembles and tears I promised I was done with return anyways as they fill my eyes. 

"He's drunk." Kevin says, trying to make an excuse for him, for what I just saw, but Kevin doesnt know I saw so much more. 

There's no point in arguing with him, or yelling at him, or saying anything at all when he's this drunk, because I doubt he'll remember it, and probably not even remember what he did with the bitch still standing nearby watching me stare him down. 

"Well..." I say to Kevin. "When he's not drunk...you can tell him we're done." I say and then turn and walk away. 

"Valentina" Kevin chases after me and I shrug away from him when he tries to touch my shoulder to stop me, halfway to my house, chasing me across the yard. 

"He's just drunk, he didn't mean it, she was just throwing herself at him, probably thinks she's you."

"JUST STOP!" I yell at him and Kevin rears back. 

I wipe my face of the tears soaking my face. 

"He had sex with her." I say and Kevins brows pinch. 

"She was just sitting on his lap." Kevin says confused. 

I shake my head. 

"I was in his room." I say through tears and people are watching while pretending not to as a drunk Bane calls my name again and again, not in urgency , just saying it over and over. 

"I was just laying there in the dark....and he....they came in....they didnt see me..." I say and I just want to collapse , to fall into the earth. 

"Shit." Kevin says. 

"Valentina..." he says and I know he wants to make an excuse, but there isn't one. It doesnt matter how drunk he is. 

I shake my head. "Please don't try to justify this." I say. "Don't" 

He sighs, knowing I'm right, that even as his friend, he can't justify it even if he tried. 

"Tell me what you need." he says. 

I shake my head. "Nothing. I just need to go to bed. To get away from him." 

He nods in understanding. 

"Want me to send Francis over?" he asks. I shake my head. 

"No. And not that he'll give a shit enough to try...but if he seems like he wants to...tell him to stay the fuck away from me." I say. 

"I cant pretend that I know what it's like for either of you...but this isn't him...you know it isn't." he says, his last stitch effort to try to salvage what we all thought was meant to be. 

"You're right. It's not him. And he's not who I thought he was. Not anymore."