EroticReverie

Valentina

Seeing him like this, knowing he's been hurting. It makes me glad, and at the same time all I want to do is tell him it's okay. But it's not, and I refuse to let him get off that easy. Francis was right, while everything he's done these past two years, earns him enough to get to sit here and talk to me. It doesn't earn him ME. It doesn't take away what he did. And he's right, nothing he can say or do will erase it. It's always going to be there. This horrible fucking stain on my life, that I'll never forget. 

When I raise my voice for him to sit back down, he does and he takes a deep breath and looks at me again. 

"I know..that you know...what you did ...was...It's unforgivable Bane." I say and he nods, looking down at the table, his nail scratching at the wood. 

"I know it is." he says. "I'm so fucking sorry." 

"Don't talk. God..just...be quiet." I say, and he frowns because my tone is angry, it's irritated, and impatient. 

He nods silently. 

"I know what happened fucked you up. I know that you probably still blame yourself for what happened to me. But it happened TO ME. Yes you had to go through watching me get raped." 

He flinches at the word. 

"But I'm the one who went THROUGH it. And you...you pushed me away...you hurt me. And then you told me you still needed me, that you still loved me. And you just, you just pushed me away...AGAIN" I say as angry hot tears leave my eyes. 

"And then you went a fucked some other girl. And you know what hurt the most, not that you cheated, but that you did it while I fucking NEEDED you Bane. I fucking NEEDED you." I say , and it doesnt matter how much I want to kiss him, how much I miss his touch and laying in bed with him, how much I miss everything. 

" You fucking ruined me." I say, and I watch him wince again. 

"fucking look at me!" I cry. 

His eyes lift and I stare at him. 

"Ruined Bane. You ruined me, you ruined everything. You promised me. You promised you'd never fucking hurt me again. And you did. So I ran away, I left you because you didn't fucking deserve me." I tell him. All this he knows, But I still need to say it, still need him to hear it. 

"You will NEVER begin to understand what it felt like watching you destroy us. You'll never understand what it's like to be fucking raped, and then have your boyfriend not give a shit about you,too busy feeling sorry for himself to realize you're dying inside without him,  to watch him fuck another girl because he doesn't want to fucking touch you anymore!" I yell and all my bottled up rage over the past two years just rolls off my tongue , lashing him across his heart. Good,  I think. Good. He deserves to hurt, because he'll never fucking hurt the way he hurt me, not even close. But, of course, it doesnt feel as good as I want it to. I know he's punished himself enough, but I'm still angry, still hurting. Still so fucking in love with him, and at loss of what the fuck to do about it. 

He opens his mouth to speak and then shuts it when I shake my head and my lips tighten. 

"I read every text message. Listened to every voicemail. And I've listened to your apology now too, and Bane..I believe you. I believe how sorry you are, and I believe you'd take it back if you had the chance. But like you said...none of it changes the fact it happened. That's it's there. That what you did will always be in the back of both of our minds." I say and then take a moment to take some breaths and calm myself slightly. 

"My parents told me you bought the house." I say gesturing around. "That you gave them half a million dollars."

"I also read a lot of articles, and they also told me about the charity work you've done. The donations." I say and he looks at me. 

"I told nobody to tell you. I don't want you thinking I did any of that to -"

"God.. Bane...shut up." I say and he hangs his head again. 

"I don't think you did it to win me back. I believe your intentions are good, my parents deserve this house. Deserved that money. And the women you're helping, deserve it too." I tell him. 

"Two years Bane." I say and sigh and then put my head in my hands , elbows on the table, my head pounding from all the fucking crying. 

"Two years and...." I sit back up and look at him. 

"I shouldn't still love you." I say defeated. 

His brows lift slightly and I watch his adams apple bob in his throat as he swallows hard. 

"But I do." I say and look down, my hands in my lap. 

"But I don't know what to do with that love Bane." I say and look up. 

"I feel like we were both robbed of the greatest love when Baron came to your house that night." I say. 

"But...you....you sealed our fate , you didn't even give us a chance to make it. And I know you were messed up about it Bane, But...I just...don't know what to do with the fact, that I loved you every fucking second. Even when I hated you for what you did. " I tell him and he nods. 

"I miss you." I say honestly. "I miss you so fucking much...and it sucks Bane. It really fucking sucks, because I know I'm a fucking fool for it." I say as the damn tears start again. 

"Seeing you at the door....seeing you tonight....such a big part of me wanted to slap you...but...a much bigger part...just wanted to touch you. To have you hold me again. To kiss you and see if it could still make me feel like there was nothing that I wanted to do more, than to keep kissing you. Cause that's how it always felt.....when you would kiss me...before it all happened...nothing else mattered. And...I just want that back.  but I know I can't have it. It'll never be the same." I say. 

"Valentina." he says wearily. 

I wince slightly and close my eyes and shake my head. 

"I hate...I hate when you call me that." I say as tears run down my cheeks, remembering how it used to be the opposite, how before we started dating I would insist he call me by my actual name and not his own name for me. 

"Valentine." he says softly. 

I look at him. 

 "I love you." he says quietly. 

I nod. "and I love you." 

He slowly puts his hand on the table , turning his palm up slowly, and I look at it. He leaves it there as I just stare at, unsure if I can handle even touching his hand right now. Because the worst part is, I know it's all still there. I know I could kiss him and still feel everything, I could let him hold me and feel complete again, even if for that single moment. 

"I think you should go now." I say and look away from his hand. 

"Valentine." he says and I keep looking away. 

"Bane, please. I need you to go." I say my leg bouncing and my lower lip trembles. 

"Please don't make me leave." he says. "I'm begging you not to make me leave." 

"I'll do anything..just...I'll shut up, I won't say another word, but ....just let me stay...just let me fucking looking at you....I miss your face so fucking much." he says and I look at him. 

"Stop it." I say. 

"it's true." he says. 

"You're fucking beautiful, and all of you...inside and out..just...has always amazed me." he says and I sigh and look away. 

"I don't know why I couldn't be there for you when you needed me. I really dont. I wish I had some kind of reason, but any reason I have doesn't cut it. I have no reason for what I did at that party either. I just...wasn't myself after the incident. " he says. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to be the kind of man who deserved you. I never was, and I definitely wasn't then. And I doubt I'll ever be. no matter how hard I try. Because, you've always been perfect Valentine. You've always been too good for me, too good for this fucking world." he says and I just look at him. 

It's not important, or maybe it is. But I ask anyways.

"Have you seen anyone since I've been gone?" I ask. 

He shakes his head slowly. 

"No." he says.

"Have you slept with anyone?" I ask. 

"no." he says. 

I believe him. 

"I swear I haven't, all I've wanted since the day I woke up and realized what the hell I did to you, was you. I didn't want anything else but you. And if you hadn't spoken to me tonight, or ever again. It still would have only been you. I wouldve gone forever , because all I can ever think about, the only person I'll ever love is you." he says. 

I'd started out so strong, thinking I would make him sweat when he walked in that door. And then everything went to shit when I saw him have a full blown panic attack in front me. 

"I don't deserve to ask Valentine." he says. 

"But please...give me a chance to spend the rest of our lives trying to make it up to you." he says 

"I can't answer that right now Bane." I say.

"I don't know what I want to do. You scare me, and there's no guarantee you won't hurt me again." I say and he opens his mouth, probably to promise me he wont just like he did before but he shuts his mouth. 

"I know...and...I dont expect you to make the choice now...but...I just...I can't just sit here and pretend that I'm not all in. That I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you still. I can't pretend that the sight of you doesn't fuck up my whole world just like it always did. I've never loved anyone this much. ever. And i've never had anyone love me the way you did. You were...and are...everything to me. I can't say it enough. I know what I did would seem to prove otherwise...but...I do fucking love you. And i promise to love you to till the day I die. Nobody will ever have my heart but you." he says and I let loose a shaky breath. 

I wanted to let him take me, right here on this fucking table. I was so fucking weak. Sure two years of radio silence from me would seem like I had my shit together. That I knew what was best for me. But I was dying to kiss him. I was dying to have him. It  would be wild, and passionate, and probably too fucking intense for either of us to handle. If he were to make the move, I'd let him. I'd let him do whatever he wanted, because I missed him that much. Loved him that much. That I'd let myself fall again. That I'd give him everything again. 

It wasn't a good idea though. It was still too messy, and being intimate like that, would only confuse things more, but I was always drawn to him, helplessly fucking drawn to Bane Banks. 

Even though I knew I shouldn't. I looked at him and sighed. Defeated. 

"Take me to your place." I said.