EroticReverie

Carson

When the gathering is over and we say goodbyes.  I throw the envelope on the table. Grab a bottle of whiskey and a glass. 

My parents took the kids for the night. Knowing I needed a break.  The grief in the house was suffocating and it would be good for them to have a night out of the house and not be in the house where their mother passed away. 

Daniella sits down at the side of the table next to mine and she takes the bottle and pours it into the glass and lifts it. Taking a sip and then setting it down and sliding it over to me. 

I lift the glass and stare at the envelope. It was one of six envelopes that Lynn’s mother gave to me. I take the one addressed to Daniella out of my inner suit pocket and set it down. She jerks back slightly when she sees her name. 

“Why do I have one?” She asks. 

“Because Lynn might have been dying. But she was fucking observant.” I tell her. 

“What did yours say?” She asks. 

I shake my head and nod to her envelope. 

“Read it.” 

——

Daniella 

I was scared to open the envelope.

Observant?  Did that mean she knew or could tell what was going on during her last weeks? 

I take the whiskey bottle and lift it to my lips and take a few healthy gulps and then wince and set it back down. 

“Is it bad?” I ask and look at Carson. 

He shrugs. “Dunno.”

I lick my lips nervously as I eye the letter from a woman who was now gone. A woman’s whose husband id been letting myself fall in love with while she was dying. 

I take a breath and grab the envelope and pull out the folded piece of paper and unfold it and begin to read the perfect cursive handwriting. 

“Daniella,

 First of all, let me put you at ease and get the elephant out of the way. Yes. I know. 

I knew it before even the two of you knew. 

From the day you came to this home , I knew what was going to happen. The instant I saw how instantly you connected to my children that Carson would fall in love with you. 

I should be angry, I should be hurt. But know that I’m not, and I wasn’t.

I saw myself in you. And I knew Carson would too.  I know how much me denying any further treatment hurt him. He wouldn’t admit it. But I’d promised him forever and was giving up on myself. Which meant I was giving up on us. On him. He’ll forgive me. I know he will.  

I’m not sure how much has gone on while I was still with you, but know that no matter how far you’ve gone , or how much you’ve fallen in love with my husband , that I am not angry with you. Nor with him. 

He loved me more than I could have ever asked for. Does it make me sad that he fell so quickly in love with someone else while I was still alive? Yes. But only because he couldn’t tell me about it. That he thought I wouldn’t understand. 

When you’re dying. All you want , is to know that those you love will be taken care of. That they’ll be happy. That they’ll find another great love and life a full life. I know he will miss me and I know he loves me. That’s all I need. The comfort that what we had was beautiful and fierce and that he loved me even when he was moving on. 

Dying puts life into perspective. The things that matter most are brought to the forefront of our lives. My husband and my children are what matters to me.  Their lives and the quality of their lives matter to me. But I won’t be there to see the rest of their lives.  To share their moments their milestones and their smiles. 

Thank you for coming to this home. Thank you for loving my children as much as I do. Know that I didn’t bring you here with the intention of finding a replacement for me. God, I’m not that crazy. But it was evident within days that you would be a big part of all of our lives.

I can not put into words the gratitude I have for you. The way you kept our children busy and the way you loved them and comforted them. 

I know I’m my heart that Carson is a good man. A good father. A good husband.  And I need your help in reminding him of that. I know he’ll question it.  I also know that had I not been sick , we would have loved a full life together.  That he never would have cheated on me or had an affair under any other circumstance.  For this reason, it’s easy for me to forgive what I know and what I can feel between you two already. 

Some might think I’m crazy , or that it’s the medication brain of a dying woman that would be okay with you two finding your ways into each other’s hearts.  But let me assure you. I’m a fully aware of myself and as crazy as it may sound, knowing that you were there to comfort him in ways I could not. That you will still be there to comfort him when I am gone. Is the best thing either of you could give me. 

Carson deserves to live his life. I have no insecurities or doubts of our love. And knowing that he won’t waste a damn second of his life without love he deserves.  I will die peacefully. I will die content knowing the man that I love will be taken care of by someone with a heart that loves like my own.  Content knowing my children adore you and will always adore you for as long as you choose to stay in their lives. Which I hope will be a long time. They need you and their father. And they need a father that is happy. I need you to make him happy Daniella. I need you to love them for me. Carson and the kids. And I know you will. 

Don’t waste a second , not a single breath. Don’t either of your doubt my words because I speak the truth. From the bottom of my heart. 

You have my blessing to love him. You have my blessing to love my children like your own. 

If it’s what you want , Please take care of the family I built, make it yours too. 

With love and eternal gratefulness , 

Lynn”

My hands are shaking and I have tears pouring down my cheeks.  A fucking Saint.  Lynn, was a fucking Saint.  And while her letter may have been meant to ease the guilt , it did the opposite. Because who was that selfless? Who wanted their husband to find happiness in another , in front of their own eyes? 

I set down the letter and look to Carson. 

His lips are tight. And his eyes are watering. 

“She knew.” My voice shakes and he nods. 

“She did.” He says. 

He lets out a laugh. It’s short and he shakes his head. 

“God damnit Lynn” he says and laughs again as his watering eyes break and tears roll down his cheeks. 

“You love me more than I deserve” he says looking at the ceiling as if he’s speaking to her. 

Then lowers his chin and looks at his whiskey glass. 

“She gave me her blessing to be with you” he says. 

“Me too” my voice croaks and his eyes lift to mine. 

“Why do I feel so much worse than I did?” I ask. 

He gives a laugh. Still crying and I know it’s not happy laughter. Just the laughter of a grieving man, surprises by his dead wife’s ability to love him so fucking fiercely that she’s sit by in her last months and willingly watch him fall for someone else. Just to know he wouldn’t be alone. 

“Because regardless of what our letters say or what she wants us to feel, the fact she wanted this for us…makes the fact we did it behind her back feel like more of a betrayal than it was” he says and I nod. 

“I wish she would have said she knew” he says. 

“I wish I could hear those words from her lips and not read them from paper” he says. 

I nod. 

“She said that you being here. Made her believe in God” he says and I swallow the lump stuck in my throat. 

“That the only prayer she had for me had been answered before she had to go. That only a God existing could allow her to die knowing the man she loved wouldn’t be  alone. That she could die happy knowing that I wouldn’t spend years alone. That she wanted me to mourn her. But just didn’t want me to do it alone” he chokes and takes a big gulp of his whiskey. 

“Fuck” he slams it down on the table and puts his head in his hands and cries. 

I get up from my seat. My own tears falling silently as I put my self in his lap and grab his face. 

“We’re assholes huh?” I ask and he gives a slight laugh and I try to smile. 

“I should’ve known she knew.  I should’ve known that she saw in you exactly what I did.” He says. 

“She knew the thing I loved most about her was what a good mother she was.  She knew how fucking much it meant to me to watch her with them. How she turned me on by how much she loved them.” He says. 

“It’s the same with you. It drove me crazy to watch you with them. I’d felt alone. Like. She’d already left me. She knew. She fucking knew by the way I looked at you. Before I even knew it.” He says and I stroke his cheek and bring his face to mine. 

“I don’t want to feel guilty. She told me to not waste a second or a breath of my time with you. And I owe her that much.  To give her , her dying wish” I say. 

“We owe it to her” I tell him and he nods 

I kiss him once and then pull back. 

“I love you.” I say softy. For the first time 

He inhales and then exhales. 

“I love you too”