EroticReverie

Kitty Lozano

My phone blew up all night, text after text, call after call, until I turned it off and rolled over in bed and cried into my pillow. 

I didn't know what I was going to do. Or I did...and that's what was hurting me. 

I had to let him go. I couldnt be the reason he threw away the life he'd set up for himself by getting great grades and working hard, along with constant practicing for football and getting that full ride scholarship that he didnt even need. It's not that I thought I was worth a guy giving all that up. But it's just the thing Royce would do if he did indeed feel the same. I couldnt let him tell me either way. It would kill me either me. Learning he didnt love me, would just just as much as learning he did. I didn't want to know. 

I cry even harder as the scent of him on my bed fills my nose, I turn over to the other side of the bed, tears streaming, trying to get away from his scent, but it's everywhere. It's always fucking everywhere in here. My room has smelled like royce Vandenberg for two fucking years, and I think I'll actually go crazy in two months when the smell starts to fade and I can't get it back. In two months when he's gone. 

I only had to brush him for two months. Then he'd be busy with getting ready to go off to college. There'd still be the summer. I sob harder as I think of all the nights we spent last summer sneaking out together, him taking me to the beach late at night. I laugh as I cry as I think of the night where he spent the night chasing me along the sand, tackling me, tickling me, doing everything but making out or trying to get into my pants. When I look back, I realize that we had a lot more days of hanging out and NOT having sex than I'd originally thought. I mean, we had TONS of sex , but I guess in my mind, I didnt let myself cling to the other stuff. Because I'd done a damn good job of convincing myself that we were nothing but sex to one another. 

I bury my face into my pillow and scream into it, replaying back the fact I told him I loved him, RIGHT after having sex. The fucking look on his face, the fucking shock of my words. I hated myself for saying those words out louds, for ruining the last two months I had with Royce by slipping up. But I'd been wekaened by watching him with my family, watching the way he made Trevor's fucking entire year by the birthday party he threw him.  I knew that money was nothing to him, but it wasn't nothing to me, to my family. I know he knew how big the gesture was of buying everything for the party, how big the gesture was to get him a playstation we'd never had been able to afford, even if we started saving now, we wouldnt be able to afford it in two years, even three. 

Then I think of my mother, of the things she head, hitting the nail on the head when she told me I thought I didnt deserve him. But, I really didn't. Nobody deserved him. He was too good for anyone. I'd realized soon after we'd started hooking up that Royce was nothing like the rich douche bags he was known to hang out with. He definitely was not the company he kept. Clearly, because he wasted his time with me. He ditched ragers and excuses to get drunk or high with his friends, to spend time with me. 

It hurt. It hurt that I couldnt let him in. That I constantly for two years avoided getting closer to him. But the sneaky fuck had done it anyways. Through just being my friend. He didnt have to know me, I didnt have to let him in. He'd learned about me, by just being around me. 

My head is pounding and I'm sniffling, and have snot that I keep wiping with my back of my hand as I hear my door open and foot steps come down into the basement. When she's half way down the stairs, I see my mother in her uniform for the diner that she works at over night. 

She looks over at me as she hits the bottom stair. I've silenced my cries, but I cant stop my lip from trembling. 

I'm laying onto of my blanket, curled up in my spider man shirt he bought, and plaid pajama pants as she walks over without a word and I feel her weight shift onto the bed as she curls up behind me. 

I close my eyes tight, trying to stop the sob threatening to burst from my lips as she gently strokes my hair like she used to when I was little, her finger nails scratching lightly along my scalp as she tucks the hair behind my ear. 

I choke as I go to speka, the sob bursting out. 

"I love him" I cry as I feel her arm wrap around me and hold me tight, her chin on my shoulder. 

"Shhhh" she hushes me. "shhhh, I know , i know" 

"It's not easy baby." she soothes me with her calm voice as she hugs me. 

"It's not easy to love someone." she says.

"It's scary." she says and lifts her arm and strokes my hair again with her hand as she lays her head on the pillow behind me. 

"I know you're scared to let him in baby...and im glad your careful with your heart...but that boy ....the last thing he'd do is hurt you....I can tell." she says and I cry again, harder. 

"I know, that's why ...i..i cant" I say. 

"he...he's got...his whole life ahead of him" I sniffle. 

"And so do you." she says.

I sigh and shake my head. "our lives are too different"

"Cant be that different if you're both in each other lives." she says.

I roll my eyes. "You dont get it" 

"He's got a full ride scholarship...he's going to go pro with football...and he'd...he'd screw it up being with me" I say. 

"That boy has been in love with you for two years Kitty...it's his decision to make...not yours baby...and you dont have to stay here baby....you could go with him." she says.

"What?" I ask, shooting up and turning and looking down at her. 

"Im not leaving you." I say and she smiles up at me and sits up too. 

"Baby.." she says and reaches up, swiping my tears. 

"You can't stay here sweet heart." she says.

"You need me." I say. 

She gives a heart broken smile. 

"I've depended on you long enough....the boys are older now...they will take care of themselves." she says.

"But.."

She shakes her head. 

"You could go with him...you could go to college too if you want...or get a job out wherever he goes....you could get an apartment together...you know he'd take care of you baby" she says. 

I shake my head. "I dont want him to take care of me. I dont want him to pay for an apartment, while I work some shit job that can barely pay a cable bill, and then..."

"Listen..." she cuts me off. "I'm just saying...don't run from him...tell him how you feel Kitty."  she says. 

"I....I did....on accident....earlier." I say and chew my lip. 

"and?" she asks. 

"And...then I told him to get out...I ran out of the house. I hid before he could say anything back." I say and look down. 

"Oh sweetheart." she shakes her head. 

"Call him." she says and strokes my hair. 

"Talk to him. Don't do that to that poor boy." she says. 

I huff and push her hand away. 

"It's not that simple." I say.

"Only cause you're choosing to make it hard for yourself." she says. 

"Mom." I say giving her a look. 

"Kitty." she says almost mocking as she glares right back. 

"Call that damn boy." she says and I bite my lips together and want to smile and want to cry. 

She sighs. 

"I need to go to work...call him sweet pea." she says. 

"You deserve to be happy." she says, tears filling her eyes. 

Grabbing my face she pulls me forward and plants a kiss on my forehead. 

"Love you baby" she whispers as she pulls me into a hug. 

"Love you too mom."