EroticReverie

Kitty Lozano

I don't call Royce that night. Or the next day, and thank god he doesn't show up at my house, because I had a feeling he would. But he didn't, and I find myself angry that he didn't. My emotions and feelings, and what I wanted, everything was confusing. 

I don't see him at all, all day at school on Monday, and I come close to text him, to calling, to make sure he's okay. I definitely didn't think his abseence was because of me, but I still for some reason felt like him not being here was my fault.

When he's not there at all on Tuesday either , and he also hasnt texted me since Sunday evening, I feel a sense of dread in my stomach. Something was wrong. Even when I argued with him in the past, he still texted me or called and left messages, even if I didnt respond to them. 

Once I'm at home, and have my brothers set up to do their homework I go out back to smoke a cigarette and call him. 

It takes a few rings but he picks up. Because Royce wasn't an asshole, and he's never punished me for anything I've done or said. My heart pounds, afraid he'll want to talk about the three little words I said to him before running away from him this weekend. 

"Hey" he answers and I exhale at the sound of his voice, but it's also not normal Royce. He never answers the phone sounding tired, or exhausted, or sad, or angry. He's always frustratingly pleasant and calm, and I can always hear the smile in his voice when he talks to me over the phone. 

"Hi." I say meekly.

There's silence. 

"Everything okay?" he asks. 

"Yeah." I say and chew my lip. Why was he asking ME that? He's the one who was m.i.a for two days. 

"Everything okay with you?" I ask. "You havent been at school."

"yeah." he says.

Nothing else, silence again. 

I hate it. I hate that he's silent, I hate that he sounds sad. 

"Are you sick?" I ask. 

He clears his throat, and take a breath. "No, I'm fine." he says as his voice wavers and I feel it, I feel that something is wrong, and that Royce is fighting not to cry.

"Royce. I'm sorry." I say. 

"Not everything is about you Kit." he says. 

I jerk my head back at his response. 

"Wh..what? I wasn't...I was just..."I stammer off, stunned by his response, he's never mean or cruel to me. 

"I was just worried." I say my own voice threatening to break now. I realized I did not like rude Royce, not one bit. 

He sighs. 

"I'm sorry." he says, and I can tell he's beating himself up when he hears my voice crack. 

"It's...it's nothing to do with you. I'm sorry. Just...it's nothing. How's your brother like the play station?" he asks, taking a deep breath and I can tell he's trying to not only change the subject, but clear the shakyness in his own voice.

"royce..what's wrong?" I ask. If it wasn't about me, what was it about?

He lets out a soft chuckle. 

"You wanna talk about our problems Kit?" he asks. It stings. Because he was right. That was my self made rule, and anytime he tried to push me about mine, I avoided the subject, or got angry with him for pushing it. 

"royce." I say his name softly. 

"We're just sex , right ?" he asks. 

"Don't" I say my voice cracking again. 

"I don't wanna talk about it Kit." he says. 

"......okay" I say, not wanting to push , knowing how much I hated it everytime he did. But Royce wasn't me. 

I can hear in the background a beeping noise, and then a female voice.

"We just have to get some vitals. "She says as her voice becomes more clear. 

"Royce..." I sit up straighter. "Are you in the fucking hospital?" I say, feeling my heart pound. 

"Okay" he says to the woman. "Yeah" he says to me. 

"What?!" I raise my voice. 

"Not me...I'm just here....I'm fine." he says and I feel myself sink back into the chair with relief. 

"Who are you there with...why are you there...who's in the hospital?" I ask and I hear him stand. 

"Listen Kit...I gotta go alright? I'll call you in a few days." he says. 

"What? A few days?" I shake my head as I hold the phone and feel tears prick my eyes. 

"Royce, tell me what's wrong, what's going on?" I ask, my voice trembling as the tears fall down my cheeks. 

"Don't worry about it Kit. I'll talk to you soon." he says. As I open my mouth to respond, the call is ended. 

"What the.." I shake as I hit call again. Getting sent to voice mail. When I call again, it go straight to voicemail. Letting me know he's turned off his phone. I swipe hot tears from cheeks. He was only doing what I've asked of him for two fucking years. I tell him I love him, then run away ontop of it. Why would he confide in someone who is constantly pushing him away? Yet, I was angry. I was pissed. I was hurt. It didn't matter that it was my fault. 

I stand up ready to fucking go to the hospital, knowing there's two main ones, and a third further out in the city, and who is to say he's even at a hospital here in the city? What if it's someone outside the city?

"fuck!" I scream. 

I go into the house, grab the boys, and bring them to Vera's a few houses down, she was the grandmother of the kids on this block and she'd always watched the boys whenever I couldnt. I simply told her I had an emergency and that I'd be back later for them. 

Walking back to the house I grab my purse, my Id, and the few bucks in change from the candy dish in the kitchen and shove it into my purse. We used them for laundry, but I needed to use it for the bus. 

I had to wait thirty minutes until the bus into the city came. Another thirty before it'd finished picking up other stops and circling back to the city. 

Mercy hospital was the closes to the stop so I went in, asking the desk for Vandenberg's room. It was the only name I had. I didnt know what I was doing, all I knew was, the sound of Royce's voice almost breaking, I had to find him, had to know what was wrong, and that he was okay. What if he'd lied? What if it WAS him in the hospital?  The girl apologizes that she has nobody under that name as my tears fill my eyes and I nod and turn out and walk quickly away from the hospital , half running half walking the six blocks to the other hospital. I'm out of breath as I ask the man at the counter for the room number for Vandenberg. She clicks away on her keyboard. 

"Oh...she's in ICU...um..5th floor....room 116" she says.

She? Was it his mom? An aunt? His grandmother? He wasnt close to any of his relatives, and he could barely stand his parents. But it had to be one of them. 

The lady scans my id and gives me a sticker that I slap on my short sleeved black t shirt, and run as my large boots clomp along the hallway , my black pleated skirt bouncing , and I push it down, realizing I most definitely should have changed. But I'd went to school today, dressed for him. Wearing my fishnets, my boots, my tiniest skirt that I could get away with, a tight fitted black top with a v neck , that also showed a sliver a skin. 

The elevator takes too long so I go to the stairs. Even if waiting was probably the shorter option, I couldnt stand still. I was heaving and winded as I reached the ICU. Going to a desk to be pointed in the right direction. 

"There's only one person allowed in at a time, you'll have to wait." she says. 

I nod. "Okay...can you...can you just tell the boy who is in there that I'm here." I say. 

She looks at me and smiles. "Sure." 

I look around. 

"You can wait in that room." She points down the hall to and open waiting room where there's only a few other people sitting. I walk over, catching my breath as I sit down, resting my elbows on my legs, and ducking my head down as I bounce my legs nervously. 

I put my head in my hands and fight the urge to cry. I couldnt fucking cry, he was the one at a hospital for some reason. 

"Kitty?" his voice has my head flying up and I stand to my feet, looking in the direction of his voice.

His eyes were red, puffy, like he'd been crying and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand to see the guy who was constantly joking, constantly making me laugh, or fighting to get me out of my own miserable moods, stand there looking so crushed. 

I walked to him, then broke into a run, and threw my arms around him. Throwing myself at him. In stunned silence he stood there. 

"What are....what are you doing here Kit?" He asks, as he wraps his arms around me as I bury my face in his neck, fighting the tears, but they spill against his skin anyways. 

His hand come up my back and into my hair holding my head, his hand gripping my hair, and his other arm hugs me tighter. 

I squeeze him even tighter . 

"You're okay" I squeak. Realizing a lot of my panic had to do with the fact my mind let me think he was lying to me. That something was wrong with him, that he'd been hurt, or was sick or something. 

"I told you I was okay." he says and his hand loosens, but it makes me hold on even tighter to him. 

"please tell me what's wrong" I cry. 

"please" I beg as I still hold my face in shame against his neck.

"Kit....hey" he says, rubbing my back. "cmon...let's....let's go into the private waiting room" he says and I nod, as he grabs my head gently and pushes it back from his chest and looks down at me. 

"Hey..." he says and forces a little smile. "Calm down okay?" he says as he strokes my hair and I hyperventialte almost as I nod in agreement, but I can't calm down. something was wrong, and he looked sad, even while trying to smile. 

"Breathe gorgeous." he whispers. 

My heart twisting, his words only making it harder to stop crying. 

"Cmon" he says and kisses my forehead and then grabs my hand as I walk, everyone avoiding looking at the gil in hysterics. It was a hospital, im sure tears were quiet frequent. 

He pulls me into the side room and closes the door behind us. There were no window, and a few small wide seats and other smaller ones, but nobody else in the room. 

"What are you doing here crazy, huh?" he says teasing me slightly and I shake my head. 

"Don't ...don't do that" I say and swipe my tears. 

"Tell me what's wrong..you've been crying....you've...youve been gone." I say my voice cracking.

Irrational rage comes over me, angry with him for not telling me something was wrong, that he'd be out of school for whatever reason. For him turning off his phone. 

"you turned off your phone!" I say and shove his chest. Jesus , I was a nut job, but I couldnt help it. My mood swings, and my avoidance of him was the norm, but he wasnt allowed to push ME away, that's not how it worked. 

"Whoa" he half laughs, and reaches out for me, grabbing my wrists as I go to slap his chest again. 

"You turned off your phone!" I yell at him. 

"I've been worried about you!" I yell again. 

"Kitty...Kitty" he says as I keep fighting his grip on my hands, still wanting to slap him, to push him, to shove him. 

"stop it Kit" he says and pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around me, holding my arms at my sides as he crushes me to him, my arms lift at my elbows, my hands reaching around him, grabbing his shirt as I sob against him. 

"you're fuckin killin me here" he whispers. 

His mouth pressing into the crown of my head as he gently sways with me, rocking me just slightly in his arms. 

"you need to stop crying, or I'm going to lose my fucking shit Kit" he says.

"you shut me out" I cry into his shirt, soaking it with my selfish stubborn tears. 

"Kitty, i'll give you whatever you want...I just need you to stop crying alright?" he says and lifts one hand and strokes my hair, kissing the top of my head again. 

"why didn't you call me" I cry. 

"to be fair.....and rational....you werent answering my calls before....so..." he says and I clutch his shirt tighter and pushes my face into his chest harder. 

"I miss you" I choke on a cry and he hushes me and grips my hair in his hand. 

"Miss you too gorgeous" he whispers into my hair. "always do." 

He steps back and grabs my face, he swipes his thumb over my cheeks. 

"quit this shit." she says and leans in, kisses my nose and then my wet cheeks.

"quit crying" he says and then brushes his mouth against mine. 

"Can you do that for me, please?" he asks and then kisses me. 

I move my hands, lifting them up and to his head as I pull him into me, kissing him hard, wrapping my arms around him. 

I was crazy. Crazy about him. Crazy for him. Crazy selfish, because I should be trying to figure out what was wrong, but all I wanted to do was kiss him and hold him and never fucking let him out of my sight ever again. 

But it made my crying stop, and I was mauling the fuck out of him, my hands grabbing at his shirt as I pushed up on my toes and then lifted my leg, around his hip. I was selfish, so fucking selfish, but his hands and his mouth didn't seem to mind as he pulled me to the side of the room and sat down, pulling me in his lap.