EroticReverie

Dear Diary, 

The shame I've been carrying with me all week over what happened with my father, is crushing me. I'm not sure what's worse, being an FFA, of having my father use me as one. 

He didn't have sex with me, no...he "only" licked me and fingered me till I hated myself. Cumming hard from his touch. His tongue licking me clean afterward and then taking me to school like everything was normal. 

I stopped talking to everyone. The only person I trusted anymore, was Marcus, and his mom.I didn't even trust my own mother now, not with the way she avoided looking at me, once she sensed the distance I'd started to put between me and my father. She had to know. Was I so blind to think she didnt know the kind of man she'd married? She definitely knew what he did. I had a feeling she knew that he'd done something to me. With me. "for me" as he would say. 

I locked my bedroom door at night now. To keep my father out. 

I haven't written in a few days, because it's been rough. At school, outside of school, everywhere I go. 

I've lost count at this point how many men I've been made to give myself to. Somewhere in the thirties if I had to guess. The good thing was, is that this week there were more new FFA's being introduced into the world. I was no longer the "Fresh meat" at the FFA post.  

The men who participated in FFA life, were like vultures, all circling the post for the new girls, waiting to sink themselves into a virgin or something close to a virgin if another guy had alread given a girl her first "Session". 

Today was my day off, so I was allowed to say no...today. But even with the FFA laws, that I had the "right to my body" of two days out of the fucking week. Everyone knew it was a fucking joke. That there were men who didnt fucking follow those rules. 

I was wearing a yellow sun dress and sitting on Marus's lawn with him, as we both picked at the grass while we talked. 

"I hate him." he says, after I confide in him that my father spanked me. The things he said. The way he'd touched me. 

"I wish I could kill him. I wish I could kill them all. " He says angrily, his brows furrowing, his jaw clenching and I reach over and touch his knee. His eyes going to my hand, and he exhales and looks at me. 

"I mean it. If I could, I'd kill them all Lela." he says and I smile softly.

"I know." I say quietly. 

The past few days weren't "terrible" and by that I mean the guys who DID use me, hadn't been too big, or too rough, or keen on hurting women. Just raping them I suppose. They'd even used condoms. Another "law" that wasn't followed. 

"Has he done anything since then?" Marcus asks and I shake my head and then slip onto my side and lower myself as I lay my head on his lap close to his knees, facing him and picking at the tiny ripples in the denim of his jeans with my finger nail. Scratching my nail over it, just to hear the soft zip noise as it drags acoss the waves of the fabric. 

"I wish I could save you Lela." he says and I turn my head slightly to look up at him better and smile. 

"You do everyday." I say and his brows pinch softly and he shakes his head. 

"You do." I insist. 

"You're the only normal person I know...you and your mom." I say. 

"You have saved me...by just being my friend." I say softly and I lift up, resting my hand on the ground as he lifts his eyes to mine and I bring my face closer. 

I wanted Marcus to kiss me. I wanted him to give me my first real kiss. I wanted him to tell me he wanted to be more than friends. I wanted him to tell me he wanted to date me, to kiss me when the monsters were all forced away. I wanted him to love me on the days that others werent allowed to. 

I drop my eyes to his mouth and then lift them back to his eyes. It hurt for him to look at me sometimes. Even though he knew the cruelty and evils of the world, Marcus still held a soft part of him in those eyes, that hadn't been destroyed by the things he's seen on learned. I drop my eyes from his and then turn my head and push off my hand and don't give him another second to make the mistake of kissing an FFA girl. 

I was foolish diary. For just a moment I had let myself think he could want me that way. But why would he? While he was sympathetic towards me and other girls who fell victim to the curse of the FFA , it didnt mean he could ever love one. Why would he? and how could he? After knowing what men did to me daily. Knowing the way my own father had touched me. And what if he knew I'd been made to cum by that touch? What would he think of me then? Id be no better than the sick perverts he hates. 

"Lela." he says and clears his throat quietly. 

"It's getting late." I say, not wanting to look at him again, I wasn't sure I could. Not without crying anyways. It hurt too much. To know how good he was, how in another life ,we could have just been two teenagers that got to be friends, and slowly fall in love or something. 

"Lela." Marcus says. 

"I have to go." I say as I stand. 

"Lela, don't go yet." he says as he stands up and then follows me around the side of his house. 

"Lela....let me take you home...I'll drive you." he says, knowing I wasnt going to stay. 

"It's fine, I can walk." I say quietly and keep walking. 

"Please Lela, let me drive you." he says and I stop, because I can her how desperate his voice is. 

I don't turn around, I just nod. 

He grabs his keys and we get into his car. 

I look out my window the whole way home and neither of us says a word. 

I didnt need to hear him tell me he could only be friends. I already knew that. I already knew deep down I probably disgusted him. The things that men did to me probably turned his stomach and turned him off to ever wanting to kiss such a filthy, used up girl.

When we pull into the driveway of my house, he parks the car and reaches over for my hand before i can lift it from my lap. I still at the touch, and the way his fingers slide through mine as he grasps it. 

"I'll find a way to save you Lela. I promise." he says, his voice soft, and so gentle. I still can't look at him, I just nod as tears pool in my eyes. 

"Hey" he says gently. 

"Lela...look at me...please" he says, his thumb stroking along my own.

"I..." I start to speak. But my voice cracks immediately. 

"I can't." I whisper as I fight against my quivering lip. 

I pull my hand from his and he calls my name, as I already open the door and remove myself quickly as tears burst from my eyes, flooding in fat tear drops down my cheeks as I run to my front door and without a word to my father and mother sitting in the living room , I fly to my bedroom and slam the door and throw myself onto my bed and sob as I hear Marcus pull out of the driveway and leave. 

I cry even harder, choking on my sobs as my door opens and I lift my head. 

"I don't want you hanging out with that boy anymore." my father says. 

"Look at you, you're a mess." he says and I say nothing, turning my face and burying it into my pillow.

"I'm fine" I cry. "Just leave me alone..please" I croak, but sure enough I'm not granted that privacy, and I feel his weight shift onto the bed. 

"He fucked you didnt he?" my father asks and I freeze and then lift my head and look at him with pure fucking disgust. 

"No dad. Marcus did not FUCK me." I say and push up and go to get off my bed, but his hand grabs at my sun dress. 

"Dont use that tone with me." he says and I push at his hand. 

"Stop!" I yell.

"Mom!" I scream as he puts himself on top of me, his weight over me as I scream.

"Mommy!" I cry, feeling as helpless as a little girl as I feel him shove his pants down.

"now, just be quiet" he grunts as he shifts on top of me. 

"You cant! You cant today!" I scream. 

"Mom!" my scream pierces the air, hurting my own ears as I feel him lower his pants. 

"Damnit it Lela!" he says and I'm shocked into stunned silence as his hand sweeps backwards hard over my face, cracking me on the cheek. Then I fall into a quiet sob, as he manipulates my limbs and spreads my legs for himself , shoving his pants down, and pulling my panties to side. 

I don't do anything but lay there, lay there as he uses me. Lay there as my father fucks me. Rapes me. Thrusts in and out me as I just stare at the ceiling, tears pouring from my eyes as I lay there silently with my body being jerked by his thrusts, his hands groping my breasts and his mouth near my ear telling me all sorts of fucked up things that I barely register. 

"Better than your mother..and your sister"

"that's it, just be good for me Lela" 

"why did you make me hit you"

"Just be obedient, that's all you have to do"

"just give it to me Lela, give it to Daddy"

"you got a tight little snatch baby"

"bet your popular down at the post, making me proud"

"all those men, fucking my pretty girl." 

With a grunt, and shove of his hips he finishes. 

I lay there, numb and too stunned, too broken to speak as he sloppily pulls out, and I feel his cum already dripping from me as I force my body to bear down and squeeze it all out as he pants and rolls off of me and off my bed heaving all out of breath as he pulls up his pants. 

"Dont let me see you with that boy Lela, and you'll be going to a different post from now on. Not his." he says and I say nothing. I just lay there as he shuts the door. 

Lay there till the sun goes down and the street lights come on. Lay there all night staring into nothing. Feeling like nothing. Wishing I had the kind eye of Marcus looking at me, promising to save me.  

Maybe it was for the best that I didn't see him anymore. For him and for me. I'd only end up getting him in trouble somehow, or making him do something stupid to try to help me.  Best for me, because I needed to accept what I was, just like my father said. 

This was the world we lived in. Whether I liked it or not, and I start to make a mental list of all the fastest and least painful ways one could take their own life. 

I didn't care about the laws. The financial woes that would fall on my parents when the goverment found one of their whores had offed herself. They would pay the yearly fine, or suffer. I didn't care anymore to protect them. But I also wasn't sure I had the guts to do something like that. 

Those eyes. Those soft innocent eyes of Marcus's flash in my eyes as I finally close them, and let his sweet eyes and soft touch and the way he held my hand, send me to sleep.