EroticReverie

Weeks have gone by now as I sit across the table from my mother in the back corner of a coffee shop in town. 

Nobody knows I’m here with her. I didn’t tell my brother. Didn’t tell Stacy. But the news id found out a few days ago weighed heavy on me. And it made me miss her. Made me miss my dad. 

I haven’t told them yet. That I’m pregnant. Haven’t told my brother that I currently have a baby that’s his growing inside of me. 

I took the test a few days ago while Stacy and him were both at work. Then I sat on the small bathroom floor crying for hours all alone. I just wanted my mother. Wanted her to comfort me. To tell me everything was okay. To tell me what I’m supposed to do. Even though I knew I wouldn’t like her answer.  

Wanting her to accept us and our forbidden love for another was one thing. But I couldn’t expect her to accept this. 

I’d texted her later that day. 

“I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry. “ I’d typed.

Her reply came the next day. 

“Let’s meet for lunch. Noon at Nancy’s” 

“Okay.” I’d replied. And now here we were. Sitting in silence with our sugary sweet coffee drinks , her blowing on hers as I drag my thumb up and down the seam of the paper cup. 

I don’t know what to say to her. I know I should say something. Try to explain. But there was no way to explain any of it. I wasn’t going to tell her about being pregnant. Not today anyway. I just needed to be near her. To know she didn’t hate me so much that she couldn’t stand the sight of me. 

“I thought you were gay.” She says and I stop moving my thumb and my eyes lift to hers. She’s not looking at me. Just staring at her cup with her hands wrapped around it. 

When I don’t answer , she looks up. There’s confusion, there’s hurt, there’s fear and I feel bad for it. Knowing I’m the cause for all of it. We ruined her perfect family. Her only two kids, living and loving each other in incest. 

I wanted to laugh a little. Because there was no hate in her voice. No disgust for what she knew. It just struck me as amusing that her first words would be to question my sexuality and not the fact that I was in love with, and having sex with my brother. 

“I…was.” I say quietly and she looks back down at her cup. 

“How are you?” She asks and looks back up at me and the tears filling her eyes make mine respond with their own.

“Good. Just miss you. And dad.” I say and a tear rolls down her cheek and she looks backs down. 

“What did I do wrong?” She asks and shakes her head. 

“Nothing” I say quickly. “You did nothing wrong mom” I say and she lets more tears fall. 

“Why then? Why would my children …how…how does this happen?” She asks swiping a tear and looking at me for an answer that I don’t have. 

I take a deep breath. “I don’t know. It just did”

She shakes her head. 

“You can’t live this way. Not because I don’t understand. But because nobody will. You can’t love each other like this” she says. “It’s wrong”. 

I didn’t argue. Because she was right. It was wrong. Nobody would understand. But I got past that a long time ago. Accepting that what I had with my brother would never be accepted. By anyone but Stacy at least. 

“I know” I say softly. “But, we’re in love mom. Whether it’s wrong or not. We are.” I say and she almost sobs, shaking her head. 

“I don’t want to hurt you. Or dad. He doesn’t either. Trust me, if we could…if we could stop…make it go away…we would…we tried and we can’t. We love each other too much. We’re good to each other. We trust each other. I know it’s messed up but there’s so much love there mom. I love him so much” I say as she keeps shaking her head. 

“And Stacy?” She asks. 

I bite my lips together. 

“She’s….shes sort of…we’re all…seeing each other. Living together.” I say and her eyes widen. 

“What?” She asks and I nod. 

Not only was her daughter fucking her som , but they were also living a poly life with another girl. I assume she is thinking that we couldn’t possibly “sin” any further. 

“I’m pregnant.” I say. The words blurting themselves out. My eyes going wide in surprise and her eyes going wide as saucers 

“Youre…what?” She asks. Her hands shaking. 

“I’m pregnant” I say softly. 

“No” she shakes her head. “No, no, no” she says. 

“Mom. Calm down” I say looking around as she draws attention to us. 

“Are you kidding me?!” She cries and pushes her hands to the table and stands. 

“You are NOT having that baby!” She yells and I flinch. 

“Mom.  Please” I beg. “Sit down” I say quietly as people stare. 

“No. No.” She shakes her head. “No”

She cries harder and grabs her purse. 

“I can’t.  I can’t do this. I can’t look at you” she says. “This is NOT RIGHT” she says with a scowl through her tears. 

“I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have.” She says and I cry as I feel her falling away from me. 

“Your father was right. There’s no saving either of you. A fucking baby?!” She screams and I turn my head as she pushes her chair in with force. 

“No. You are NOT my daughter. He is not my son” she bites through her teeth. 

“You’re both insane, out of your god damn minds!” She says and then runs as quick as she can out of the coffee shop and I wipe my tears. Hiding my face from the other patrons as I grab my coffee and go out the door. 

I don’t see her on the street. So I get into my car and I cry.  I cry hard , choking on my sobs , trying to make them stop and I can’t. I can’t move to drive until an hour later when I have to pick my brother up from work. 

I move into the passengers seat as I wait outside and he frowns as he walks towards the car. Getting in the drivers side. 

“What’s wrong babe?” He asks and leans over and kisses my temple. 

I shake my head. “Just tired” I say and he kisses my head again. 

“Babe” he says. Pressing me. 

“Just. Just take me home!” I snap on him and he looks at me. 

“Hey” he says softly. 

“What’s going on baby, talk to me” he says and I shake my head. 

“I said take me home!” I jerk away from his touch as he goes to place his hand on my leg. He didn’t deserve my temper. But I couldn’t help it. I was hurt. Not by him. But my mom. Why couldn’t she just see it ? How much we loved each other ? Why couldn’t she understand I didn’t mean to get pregnant. Or did I? I sob. Breaking down. 

“Baby” he says. 

“Stop! Just stop!” I cry and turn in the seat and  away from him. 

After a minute he sighs. 

“Fuck” he mutters. And he says nothing else as we drive to the lake house we live in with Stacy. 

She’s already home. Her day off. Waiting for us and I fly out of the car past her smiling face on the small porch and into the small house. Going into the bedroom. Locking it and throwing myself onto the bed and sobbing. 

I can hear them coming inside. Their voices quiet. Probably asking what the fuck is wrong with me. Both of them trying to figure out a puzzle neither of them has a single piece to. 

I cry harder. Knowing I need to talk to them. Knowing I need to apologize to him for yelling at him. But I can’t do anything other than lay there as they both talk to me through the door. Trying to door handle and knocking when it’s locked. Both of them asking to be let in. But I can’t. I can’t face anyone right now. 

I want to regret it. All of it. Regret letting him go down on me that night. Regret screwing him and falling in love. And I hate myself for wishing I could stop it all. For wishing I could stop loving him. Because that would make this easier. We could just got back to being normal. Or as normal as possible. But I don’t regret it. Not a single part of it. Because I couldn’t stop loving him. Even if we stopped now, even if we dissolved the relationship. I’d still love him. I’d still need him. 

I cry myself to sleep without either of them by my side.