EroticReverie

John

I wasn't this kind of guy. I really wasn't. I'd never loved a woman the way I loved Mackenzie's mother. When we learned she had Cancer, it ruined me. The grief that's been building since her diagnosis, has only gotten worse now that she's gone. I can't even grieve, because I have to watch over her daughter who is spiraling just like I want to.   

I'd never looked at Mackenzie this way. Not while her mother was here. But fuck, the fact they looked so much alike, was fucking killing me now. I was lonely, fucking sad, and angry, and all the fucking things a man becomes when he only gets to spend five years with the love of his life before she's ripped from him. 

It wasn't fair to Rayna. Wasn't fair that she was gone, and my intrusive thoughts were driving me to find her , to hold onto her through her own daughter. It also wasnt fair to Mackenzie. Wasn't fair that I wanted to kiss her, to use her as a way to cope, to somehow get one last fucking kiss from Rayna by way of her daughters mouth. 

"John." Mackenzies eyes are glassy, and I know she's been drinking and I know that I shouldn't fucking even let her be talking about this. It's out of line, for both of us. 

I look down when she places her hands on my chest. I watch them slip slowly upward. 

"Kiss me." she says again softly and I lift my eyes, her head nodding slightly, slowly as her hands slip further up and over my shoulders then behind my neck. I inhale as she steps closer, her body pressing into me. My hands shake at my sides, as I will them not to touch her. Not to put my hands on her beautiful face and take the kiss I want. 

"Mackenzie, you need to go to bed." I say quietly. 

"I will." she says and one hand slips up behind my head, her fingernails sliding along my scalps and my eyes close and I exhale. Missing the way Rayna used to run her fingers through my hair. The way she'd scratch my scalp when I went down on her. 

"I just want a kiss goodnight." Mackenzie's voice breaks my eyes open and I look at her, her face is so close, she's pulled me down closer. 

"It's okay." she says softly. Her eyes are heavy and she licks her lips slightly and then pushes up on her toes. 

"Mackenzie." I say softly, one last, weak, pathetic protest.

My hands lift, they grab her hips hard as her lips close the distance to mine. The second they brush mine, my face is pushing towards hers too. We break the kiss, both of us already breathing hard. Looking in each others eyes, silently asking one another if we should stop, telling one another that we definitely should, but then, our mouths give in, we throw the coulds and shoulds away as I pull her body into mine as our mouths part, and our tongues start to get involved. Driving the stakes higher, crossing another line. 

The tiny moan she lets out has my growing cock harden even more as I pull her harder against it, her hips pressing forward and she moans as I make her fucking feel it. Make her see how fucking much I want this. Even though I know I shouldnt. But grief and fucking lonliness is fogging my brain, and I'm not even sure how much of it is me trying to hold onto a part of Rayna, and how much of it is just me, wanting Mackenzie in the worst way. 

We pant as we grab each others faces, each others bodies, her hips pushing into mine, I grab her ass and she gasps into my mouth, biting my lip and I groan and then back her up, pushing her against the wall, her back thudding against it, our hips moving in waves against each others. 

"Do I kiss you like she did?" her voice is on my mouth and it's hot a breathy and I groan. I didnt want to compare them. Didnt want to think about the fact, I hadn't had a kiss this intense since a long fucking time. Maybe because it was wrong, because I wasnt supposed to be allowed this kiss. 

"Do I?" she breathes and I kiss her again, harder. My hands reaching down, pulling up the bottom of her dress and she moans. 

"yes" she pants and I drag my lips to her neck. 

"Tell me to stop Mackenzie" I groan , begging as I slip my hand between her thighs, touching the warm soft skin and she shakes her head. 

"No, don't stop, touch me." she breathes. "Touch me" she says again and reaches down and moves my hand up as she looks into my eyes and I look down, my jaw clenching as I push my hand over her pussy. 

"Fuck" I groan and she lets out the sexiest little moan I've ever heard and I shake my head. 

"Tell me to fucking stop Mackenzie" I say, my fingers pushing over her panties, over the mound between her legs. 

"I dont want you to" she cries. "I want it" 

"I'm so wet" she moans. 

"You're drunk" I tell her. 

"I'm not that drunk" she says and then her hand slips over my zipper, her palm placing itself against my dick through my pants and she grabs it. Then our mouths crash together again as we're taking care of one another. Rubbing each other, moaning into each others mouths. 

"John" she moans into my mouth. 

I can feel her soaking her panties as I rub her pussy through them. 

"I want to fuck this wet cunt" I growl. 

The words coming out without warning. Making her gasp and both of us look at one another. 

I grit my teeth. Exhaling harshly. My thoughts had escaped my mouth without my allowance. 

"Do it." she says and I jerk my hand back, pushing hers from my dick and I step back.  What the fuck was I doing? What the fuck was I fucking doing?! 

"What are you doing?"  She whines slightly and reaches out to pull me back but I push at her hands and step back further shaking my head and rubbing my hands over my face as I curse.

"fuck!" I yell into my hands and then start pacing. 

"I'm sorry MAckenzie, I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry" I say and I want to bang my head into the wall, what the fuck was I doing, making out with her, touching her like that, talking to her like that. This was Rayna's fucking daughter. My god damn dead wifes daughter. 

"John it's fine" she says and I drop my hands and turn. 

"ITS NOT FINE" I yell. Her head jerking back.

"YOURE A FUCKING LITTLE GIRL" I snarl. Not even angry with her, angry with myself. 

"YOURE THE DAUGHTER OF MY FUCKING WIFE! YOU'RE NOT HER! YOU'LL NEVER BE HER!" I yell not even noticing the way she cowers and jerks her head away and starts to cry as I turn and drag both hands over the table along the wall. Making her scream as everything crashes to the floor. She immediately runs, runs from me. 

"Shit, fuck!" I yell at myself and then follow after her. 

"MACKENZIE IM SORRY!" I yell as I run after her. I didn't mean that she wasn't as good as her mother. That she'd never live up to her. I was saying it for myself. To remind myself, that this was her fucking daughter, no matter how bad I wanted a piece of Rayna. I wouldnt fucking get her back by screwing her fucking daughter. Jesus how had I made such a fucking mistake. 

"Just go away" she sobs as I knock on the bathroom door that she slammed.

"Mackenzie..." I say. One hand on the door leaning my forehead against. 

"I'm so fucking sorry." I say. "I shouldnt....I shouldnt have let any of that happen....I'm not angry with you...I'm angry with myself....I just....I'm sorry....I don't know what I'm doing here....I don't know how to deal with this.....with you...I dont know how to help you....and I just...I made it so much worse....I just....I miss her.....I miss her so fucking much." I say. My throat catching on a lump building. 

"Please....forgive me....I didnt mean to yell....or scare you....I just...I'm sorry." I keep rambling.

"Please....open the door Mackenzie." I say gently. 

I wait, until I hear her. "It's unlocked." she says her voice squeaky.

I turn the knob and find her sitting against the wall, balled up, arms around her legs, face in her knees, shoulders shaking. It guts me. 

I walk over, and put my back to the wall and slide myself down to sit beside her. 

I let my arm go around her, and I pull her gently into me, she turns, burying her face into my chest and I hold her head. 

"I'm sorry." I say quietly. 

She sniffles. I hated myself for the way part of my mind wishes I hadnt stopped. That I'd let myself make the ultimate mistake, and taken Mackenzie right there against the wall. How good it would have felt to be intimate again with a beautiful woman. How my body always craved her mothers, and missed her mother so much. 

I sit with her on the floor, giving no more apologies, because I doubt there'd be enough to erase the damage I've already fucking done. 

"Why don't we get you to bed?" I say, stroking her hair. She nods. 

When I stand and help her up, she hides her face, wiping her cheeks with her hands. I take a wet washcloth and gently wipe her face for her. Her eyes avoiding mine. 

I walk her to her bedroom and she keeps walking past it, then stops and turns and looks at me. Then at her door, and back at me. 

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" she asks, her eyes looking down, her arms wrapped around herself. 

"I dont think that's a good idea." I say. 

Her eyes lift. 

"Please." she says , and her voice sounds so scared and just lost that I don't even put anymore of a fight. I just nod. 

In my room, I make up the bed, making a line of pillows down the middle of the king bed. Giving her a blanket seperate from my own.

"What are you doing?" I ask as I look up and see her going through her mothers drawers.

"I..." she pauses, Pulling out a flannel night shirt. It was pink plaid, long sleeve, and fell mid thigh on Rayna. 

"I just want to wear something of hers." she says. 

I work to unclench my jaw. I nod, looking away. Who was I tell her she couldnt have her own mothers things? Wear her clothes to feel closer to her, when I'd held her mothers clothes in my sleep those first few weeks, changing them out when the smell was gone, until eventually everything lost the smell of her. 

I keep my back turned as I listen to the shuffle of MAckenzie undressing. Still , fighting the intrusive thoughts of the things I wish I had let myself do downstairs. Without meaning to, or realizing, I look up, to the mirror in front of me. My nostrils flaring as I watch Mackenzie, from the side, just pulling the night shirt down over her breasts. I swallow hard, having caught the breifest glimpse of the profile of her breasts. Her nipples were hard. 

I watched that shirt fall down that soft skin, over her flat stomach, the shirt falls at her mid thigh too. She turns, and I lift my eyes. Hers catch mine in the mirror. Her mouth parts slightly, and her cheeks flush. I open my mouth to , to apologize. To say something. But she just turns and walks to the side of the bed. 

"Goodnight John." she says. 

I turn and watch her slip into the covers I provided and then turn her back to the wall of pillows. 

I just stand there, my cock hard in my sleep pants, I rub it slightly, looking at her with her back to me. Just to ease the ache of my dick, because my dick had no idea that it can't fucking have her. I take a deep breath and walk over, turning out the light. 

"Goodnight Mackenzie." I say.

I walk over to the bed in the dark, getting into my own blankets and laying on my back. 

"John?" she asks a few minutes later quietly. 

I swallow. "Yeah?"

"You're a good kisser." she says quietly. 

My cock throbs again just as it started to ease into calming down. 

"Mackenzie." I say. 

"I know." she says.

"I'm just saying....I get why she was always kissing you now." She says. 

My heart hurts for multiple reasons. For the fact I miss kissing her mother. For the fact I wanted to kiss Mackenzie again. And again. I wanted to lose myself in the things I shouldnt do, to forget the things I could no longer do. 

I don't say anything. 

"John?" she asks again. 

"Yeah?" I answer her. 

"I'm sorry too." she says.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." I assure her.

"Not just for...the kiss.." she says.

"For being difficult. For making it hard for you to deal with me." she says and I sigh. 

"You're not....you're not hard to deal with...I just...I worry about you, that's all...and I don't know how to fix things for us....how to deal with her being gone....how to make it easier..." I say. 

I hear her shuffle and turn.

I turn myself as well, as fromt he glow of the alarm clocks on either side of the bed, theres the barest light, but I can see her eyes looking back at me.

"I promise i'll try to be better for you." she says softly. 

"I just get too sad." she says quietly. 

"Me too." I answer. 

There's more silence as we just stare at each other in the dark. 

I watch as she places her hand on the large pillow that lays between us. I watch her wiggle her fingers a little.

"Can you hold my hand?" she asks softly. 

I lift my hand , I place it over hers, wrapping my fingers around her hand and she exhales softly. 

"thank you." she whispers.

I squeeze her hand gently, and watch her close her eyes in the dark.