EroticReverie

Jackson James

I'll never forgive myself for hurting her, for losing four years of my life that could have been spent with her. I'll also never understand how I got so lucky with her. Not only did she fall in love with me, and marry me. But she still loved me...even after what I'd done....after being divorced for four years. I was the luckiest man on fucking earth. I know I didnt deserve for her to still love me, to give me another chance to fucking prove myself, but she was giving me another chance, and she still fucking loved me. I owed our friend Madison a very expensive gift for making me talk to Peyton the other night after their wedding reception. I was going to let Peyton leave with that fucking bastard, and continue to wallow in my fucking Peytonless misery like I had been for four years. Because i'd convinced myself she was better off without me. 

I'm smiling down the suitcase that I'm packing, as she packs one on the other side of her bed in her apartment. 

"What's so funny?" She asks as she shoves the suitcase she's working on closed and slips the zipper around. 

"Just thinking....about how you used to pack these things...every few weeks...threatening to leave me..." I say, because I was just as crazy as Peyton deep down, and I looked forward to those dramatic times, where she convinced herself I was cheating. When I hadnt been. I guess it's not so funny, when I'd ended up letting my secretary grind on my fucking lap. But before that happened, I loved coming home to her in one of her spirals, love arguing and fighting with her, just so we could makeup like we always did. By fucking all over the house. 

I look up at her and she's narrowing her eyes at me. 

"shut up" she huffs and I smile softly and then flip the suitcase im workin on closed and zip it up.

"Im burning these suitcases the second we transfer all your shit back to our home." I tell her and she rolls her eyes.

"As if i cant afford to buy new ones." She says with a roll of her eyes and I walk around the bed. She turns to me as I lift my hands to her face, taking her beautiful fucking in my hands and sigh and lean down, pressing my forehead to hers.

"You wont ever need them again Peyton....im not going to give you any reason to pack these fucking suitcases again" I say and she nudges her nose on mine.

"you know me though....never needed much of a good reason to be crazy" she says and I smile. 

"thank you" I exhale as I nudge my nose back, moving it over hers and she lifts her lashes and looks at me. 

"for what?" her voice is soft and quiet and I close my eyes.

"for still loving me...for giving me a chance i dont deserve...for letting me bring you back home." I say and she slides her arms around me, hugging me and doesnt kiss me, but lays her head on my chest, tucking it under neath my chin and I rest it ontop of her head, wrapping my arms around her as well, standing there, holding her, and I feel my eyes water, because I can't fucking believe I get to fucking hold her again. 

"i'll always love you....i don't have a choice Jackson....that's what made it hurt so fucking much.....is i knew, even after you...did what you did....i still loved you...every second since i've met you....i've loved you...and it's...not fair...because i know you could do it to me again....hurt me....and i'd never learn...my heart would still want you...it makes me feel so fucking stupid" she says and I close my eyes, a tear rolling down my cheek. 

Because, I know what she means. There's nothing she could do, to make me stop loving her. But Peyton, as crazy as she was, she had never done anything to hurt me , she never would. Which was why I was so angry with myself for ever hurting her , betraying her. Because I know if the tables were turned, it would fucking gut me. To know that I did that to her, i'd truly spend the rest of my life angry with myself for putting that stain on our relationship, to know that it's all my fucking fault that i lost four years of my life with her, because I was a fucking idiot, and had zero excuse for it. Maybe i'd have to try the whole therapy thing to figure out why the fuck I decided to let my secretary put her fucking ass in my lap. 

"i fucking hate myself for hurting you" I say and she squeezes me tighter as she hears the way im holding back tears, my voice wavering, and trying not to fucking break. 

"I hate you for it too" she sniffles. "but i love you more than i could ever hate you...i missed you...i loved being your wife" she sniffles again and starts to shake slightly and I lift my hand into her hair and hold her head to my chest. I knew there would plenty more tears over the mistake i'd made, that even though she'd had time, and been to therapy, that there would always be the reminder of it, that it would affect her forever, and we'd both pay for my fucking mistakes for the rest of our lives. No matter what I did, or how fucking good I would be to her...it would always be there....a part of our past....something i couldnt undo, and that neither of us could forget.

"i love you, so fucking much little devil" I whisper into her hair and she nods. 

"I know" she sniffles. 

"I'm so sorry for ruining it all baby...i know that no matter what i do...that even though i'll spend the rest of my life proving to you that you're all that matters to me....that it wont erase it....and it wont give us the last four years back....and that's on me....and i wish that i could fucking make it so only i was the one who had to suffer for it...that i could take it back....i just need you to know..i love you being my wife too....i loved being your fucking husband....and i'll never be able to explain why i hurt you like that...you didnt deserve it Peyton, what i did was so fucking wrong, and so fucking disrespectful, and i fucking hate myself , and i always will, because i had no god damn reason to hurt you like that...i wish i could go back ....i wish i hadnt been such a fucking piece of shit and-"

"just hold me" she cuts me off. "just hold me, i just want to be in your arms, i miss you holding me, and i dont want to talk about it anymore right now" 

I shut up, giving her whatever she wants. Because I could keep talking till i die , with apologies and self deprecating words to myself that I fully deserved. But i'd do whatever she wanted. Whatever she needed. 

"i love you little devil" I whisper into her hair as I wrap my arms tighter around her. 

"i love you too" she whispers. 

------------------

An hour later, it feels awkward to watch Peyton step inside our home and look around like she doesnt belong here. To look around like she's seeing our home for the first time again. Nothing has changed. I've left everything as it was. All of the horrible fucking paintings and art sculptures that she picked out for home. They still hang, or sit exactly where they were the day she left. Because I couldnt bring myself to remove, or add anything new. I wanted it all the same, I wanted it just the way it was , just the way SHE made it. 

"Love what you've done with the place." Peyton says with her back to me. I exhale finally, a small laugh leaving me as she turns and smiles, her little devil eyes twinkling with her little joke. 

"Couldnt change it. Wouldnt. Didnt want to." I say and she nods and peers around the foyer , tilting her head back, looking up at the chandelier that I thought was fucking gaudy, but Peyton fucking loved it. 

"You even kept Christine." she says and I smile, just watching her. She'd named the chandelier after Christine from the Phantom of The Opera, ya know, because of the whole chandelier crashing scene. 

"Of course I did. Everything is the same." I say and she lowers her chin and looks at me. 

"Can we get rid of it all? Start over?" She asks, and I laugh for a second but then I realize she serious. And, it makes sense. I wanted reminders of her after she'd left, so i kept it all, everything, anything she didnt take with her, i kept where it was. The only thing she'd really taken was her clothes. Jewely, bags, makeup, all that sort of stuff. She didnt want to take any part of "us" with her. The jewelry I had bought her, stayed here. Was still sitting up stairs in our closet in the cases. The only piece of jewelry I got her, that she took , was her wedding bands.

I nod. "We can do whatever you want." 

She smiles and walks over to me and looks up at me, hands sliding onto my chest. 

"Fuck me one last time under Christine" she says and my cock instantly responds. 

"then we're going to gut this house...and start over." she says.

"do you want me to just buy you a new house?" I ask and she smiles. 

"yes" she says, both of us talking as if it's nothing, like im buying her a new purse. But i dont care, id buy her ten houses if she wants. 

I nod. Reaching down, pulling up her dress as I nod. 

"we'll start looking then, as soon as I fuck my wife under this disgusting chandelier" I say and she  gasps.

"she can hear you" she whispers.

"she's fucking ugly" I growl as I pull up her dress.

"he doesnt mean that" she looks up at the chandelier.

"yes i fuckin do" I say looking up too, then both of us looking at one another, smiling at each other,  as her hands grab my belt, undoing it as my dick gets harder and harder with anticipation. 

"we leave it all here Jackson....we start over.....and if you fuck up again, so help me , i'll fucking kill you" she says, grabbing my dick as she slides her hand into my open pants. She grabs it fucking hard and I groan and nod, wincing slightly, hissing as her hand grips my dick so fucking hard, stroking it up and down with her tight grip. 

"i wont, i wont fuck up again, i promise" i groan. 

"you better fucking not" she says as she squeezes it harder and I grunt and grab her face and kiss her hard. 

"let's go to Vegas" I groan and she moans and nods. 

I dont expect her to say yes, dont expect Peyton to want to marry me and elope right away. 

"to be clear...i want to go to Vegas, to marry you Peyton" I groan, wondering if she thinks I want to fucking gamble or have a spur of the momet vacation.

"to be clear..." she hums on my mouth and lets go of my cock and pushes down my pants. 

"i dont want to go another day without being your fucking wife...so yes...i assumed thats what you meant by lets go to Vegas...now take me to the floor and fuck me like you used to...then i'll let you fucking take me on a plane to Vegas, to make your wife again." she says and bites my lip and i groan.

"Yes Mrs. James" I exhale and she moans and kisses me hard, pulling me down to the floor and over her as she spreads her legs and I breathe hard, looking down at her eyes twinkling with the lights of the chandlier in her eyes.

"The only time that fucking chandelier looks pretty is when you're on the floor for me, and I can see it in your fucking eyes" I tell her and she smiles and bites her lip. 

"Dont worry, i plan on picking out an even bigger one for our new home" she says and I groan and sink into her. Her back arches and her mouth parts and her brows lift, eyes on me and I draw back and sink into her again, slower. Cursing.

"Fuck little devil, get one for every fucking room , see if i fucking care, you can have whatever you fuckin want baby, anything you fucking want, only thing i need in my home, is my wife...just you Peyton" I say and then thrust faster, harder, leaning down, kissing her, panting , our moans and groans filling the foyer, the slap of skin filling the air. She whimpers at my words, and I dont fuck her like I used to on the floor, instead, we're just looking at one another, as I make love to her, neither of us talking, speaking, other that muttered curses and soft cursed gasps from her,  that and the moaning of one anothers names. 

It the perfect last time for this home, the perfect last memory to make here, before we start over somewhere new, where the walls havent watched her fall apart, and we dont feel the lingering energy of those last months we spent together, when she was in a state of breakingdown. This is the perfect way to end our time in this home, and Im just grateful I get to start over. And I wont TRY to be the husband she deserves. I will just simply BE the husband she deserves. I'll never hurt her again, I'll never fucking ruin her life again.