EroticReverie

Archer

When I close my door , I go over and throw on my boxers, grab the fucking picture frame and leave my room, and go downstairs and throw that shit in the trash. Then I go out back with a beer and a pack of cigarettes and chainsmoke. 

I didn't have to be such a fucking asshole to her. I didnt need to fuck her. I wanted to though. I wanted one last fucking time with her, even if it meant I didnt get to make love to her, but instead hate fuck her. Actually hate fuck her. I could tell she saw how I looked at her, could tell she felt every fucking bit of me that was furious with her. It was a dick move to fucking treat her that like, but I was still so fucking hurt by her, that I kept telling myself what I did was warranted. Because why should I care about her fucking feelings, when she didnt care about ours? 

I was weak, holding her like that, comforting her. I was angry with myself for falling into old fucking habits, and holding a woman that ruined my fucking life like she was still something special to me. Because she isn't. Fuck her. No amount of apologies is good enough for what she did, especially not with the whole fucking child thing included. 

I should apologize to her. No. I shouldn't. My brain cant make up it's fucking mind. I want her. I want her so fucking much I cant fucking stand it, and it makes me fucking crazy. But wanting her and needing her, and still fucking loving the woman that broke my damn heart, it wasnt enough. Because I could never trust her again. Because she clearly didnt love me, or love us, the way we loved her. Because we NEVER would have fucking left her like that. We never would have kept something as important, as a fucking CHILD from her if the roles were reversed. So how do you fucking let yourself forgive someone, or love someone like that? When they clearly dont love you as much as you love them? 

I'm on my third cigarette, when the back door opens. I turn my head, expecting to see Drew or Emmett come ask me what the fuck all the headboard banging was about. But, of course, im not that lucky. Of course it's fucking her. 

I exhale a cigarette.

"Sorry, i'll..i thought you were asleep..i just...i wanted some fresh air, i'll go out front or-"

I raise the pack of cigarettes to her. An offering. What the fuck am I doing? Only SHE could have me so back and forth and fucked in the head, that I keep switching sides. Wanting to fucking throttle her one second, and get on my knees and beg her to stay and never leave us again. Pathetic. 

"Are you sure?" she asks. I toss the pack onto the small glass patio table and it slides across it towards her. I toss my lighter next. 

She walks over and sits down in the chair opposite me. She opens the pack. I watch her, seeing the small quirk of her lips. 

she wasnt a regular smoker, but once in awhile she'd steal one of mine. And I always had a "lucky" , which is just a cigarette you flip over in the pack, and smoke last. She'd always steal them and smoke them. For the first time, she grabs the filter of a different cigarette and pulls it out and places it between her lips and then lights the end. 

She closes the pack and pushes it back over with my lighter and then sits there. In just her shirt and underwear, she crosses her legs and looks around the backyard. 

I watch her, she doesnt look at me.  Doesnt even look like she wants to say anything. Doesnt even call me out for treating her like shit upstairs, or the things I said. Because I know her...I fucking know her, and I know that shes punishing herself, that she thinks what I did is an acceptable way to treat her after what she did. But it isnt. No matter what she fucking did, I shouldnt have fucked her like that, shouldnt have talked to her like that. 

I exhale hard. My mind driving me crazy, because I cant fucking decide what I want to do, or what I want to say, or if i want to do and say anything at all. 

"Val..." I start.

"Please dont apologize to me." she says, lifting a shaky hand to her mouth, taking a drag of the cigarette and blowing out the smoke. Because she knows all the tones of my voice, and maybe what I was about to say wasnt exactly an apology, but it'd have been something close.

"I'll do the test for you, as soon as I can schedule it. You wont have to see me again if you're not that dad." she says.

"And have Emmett and Drew kill me in my sleep?" I ask. She turns her head to look at me. 

She forces a little fraction of a smile. 

"We'll figure it out. I don't need to be in your life if you dont want me in it. And, i understand you not wanting me in it. I dont deserve to be in it." she says and I pluck another cigarette out of the pack and light it.

"You're always going to be in my life whether you're around or not." I say and she tilts her head slightly, questioningly.

I lift my hand, tap a finger to my temple. "Right here. Always right fuckin here." I say and her face falls, her eyes going sad, and she just looks at me. 

"and whether or not i fucking want you there...." I say and tap my chest. "here too." 

"archer" she says softly. I shake my head. 

"I'm sorry for treating you like that upstairs." I say. 

She winces. "dont apologize, you were angry with me, you should be" 

"Youre right, I should be angry, i was and still am, but it doesnt excuse how I treated you up there." I say and then exhale a cloud of smoke and look out at the sky. 

"thank you...for apologizing." she says and I dont say anything else. 

"I dont know what to do with you." I sigh. 

She's silent.

"You fucked me up real bad." I say. 

She nods, and I look to her. 

"I wish there were enough sorrys to fix it Archer. But I know there's not. It sucks to do something to people you love, and not have anything you can do or say to make up for it. None of you deserved the way I left. None of you deserved to not know about Veda for four years. I fucked up, and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish there was, but I know there's not. And I know even if im forgiven somehow, i've put a stain on all of our lives by how I left. Because I know none of us will ever forget it. And I hate that, I hate that im responsible for all of the pain. I hate that I can keep talking and trying to tell you how sorry am, and that i can be as accountable for my actions and choices as I want to be, but it doesnt matter. Because it wont change what's already done. And im fully prepared to have all of you hold it against me forever, but I just....i dont want my shitty choices to affect Veda's life." she says.

"Do Drew and Emmett want a test?" I ask her and she shakes her head. 

I roll my eyes, because of course they don't. 

"I'll give you a paternity test Archer, but.....I dont want to know either." She says and I look at her. 

"If you want to know, you have every right to, and i'll give that to you, it's the least I can fucking do, but, I dont want to know." 

"Not sure how that will work." I tell her. 

She shrugs. 

"Eventually when she's older, she'll want to know. But...right now, it doesnt matter to me which one of you is the father. Because she'd be lucky to have any of you as her dad."

I exhale another cloud of smoke. "Not sure thats true for me." 

"Yes it is." she says. 

Im silent, and so is she. She steals another cigarette. She still doesnt take the lucky one. I dont know why it fucking bothers me, or why I fucking want her to take it. 

"So....what are your plans?" I ask. 

"for what?" she asks. 

"Clearly she's one of ours, so does that mean you're moving back in?" I ask. 

She shrugs. 

"there's a lot to talk about, with all of you, i don't know what I want, till I know what you all want." she says.

"Tell me what you want anyways." I say. 

she takes a drag.

"Tell me what your perfect scenario is. Do you just visit us with Veda? Do you plan on some kind of custody thing with us down the road? or do you want to live here with Veda?" I ask her. 

She swallows. 

"I want her to have a family. Not a family she's split between. Or family she only sees now and then. I'd.....if it was only up to me?" she asks. I nod. 

"I'd live here again." she says and my heart twists over how much , so much of me, wants that. The other part of me, still so fucking mad. But it's not just HER.....its Veda. And i cant fucking NOT want her around. Because i might be bad as hell at Valencia, but, I cant hold my bullshit against a three year old, a three year old that could be mine. And even if she's not mine. I wouldnt want Emmett and Drew not have her around either. 

"What about...other stuff?" I ask. 

"What other stuff?" she asks.

"How would that all work? You dating anyone?" I ask. 

She blinks, and shakes her head. 

"I told Drew and Emmett, but I havent been with anyone since I left. No dating. No sex. Nothing. Just , working, and taking care of Veda." she says.

My jaw clenches. Because now I feel like even more of an asshole for how I fucked her upstairs. Four years, and THAT was the first sex she's had?

"Are.....you dating anyone?" she asks. 

I just look at her and take a drag. 

"No room in here" I tap my head. "Or here" i tap my chest. "For anyone else but you." 

Her lower lips trembles and she looks away and wipes a stray tear that falls down her cheek.

"I should..go check on Veda." she says as she stands and puts her cigarette out in the ash tray. I just nod. 

She rubs her hands on her thighs and then walks to the door.

"Val?" I call to her. 

"Yeah?" she answeres softly. 

"I'm sorry you went through it all alone." I say, even though it's not my fault. but maybe it is , because why the hell didnt she feel safe enough to tell us ?

"you dont have-" she starts

"I'm sorry that for whatever reason, you thought you had to run, instead of come to us. I'm sorry you had any reason to think that we wouldnt have chosen you and Veda." I say. 

"its not your fault, it's mine Archer" she says. 

I shake my head. "no, cause you chose to run for a reason, were scared for a reason, and its my fault for ever making you question it, but i'd do anything for you...even now when part of me hates you so fuckin much for leaving...we'd all do anything for you...dont ever question that again, alright?" I say and she's nodding.

"yeah, okay" she says, as years run down her cheeks. 

I stand up, she waits as I put out my cigarette and walk over to the door with her. She looks up at me. 

"I dont know what happens now" I say. 

"me either" she sniffles and shrugs. 

"im sorry about upstairs....and earlier" I say again. 

She shakes her head. "it's fine" 

"it's really not" I say and she shrugs. 

"I cant promise you i'll ever forgive you , but I dont want you to do it alone anymore....I want to be here for you...for Veda too." 

"really?" her voices cracks and she wipe her cheeks. 

I nod. "im still mad as hell, and not sure if i ever wont be, but...i love you more than i hate you Val...the way i hate you, isnt even close to the way i fucking love you." I sigh and she reaches out and wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my chest. I swallow the lump in my throat and wrap my arms around her. 

"i love you too" she cries. Her nails in my back, as she tries to fucking latch to me, fuse our bodies, holding me tight. 

"i always will, im so sorry" she cries again. 

I hold her head and rest my cheek atop her head. I turn, kissing the top of her head.

"we should get some rest." I say softly. 

"yeah okay" she sniffs and nods. 

We go inside, she goes to her room, and I go to mine. 

I still dont get any sleep.