EroticReverie

Hadley Harper 

I change out of my swim suit and put on a maxi dress, a neon bright purple. My favorite color. The color of the thread in the friendship bracket id made Theo in middle school. Neon purple. My color. Black was his. 

I pull my hair up in a messy bun. I freshen up with more deodorant and spray of body mist and then slide on my sandals , the maxi dress is tight and long , down to my ankles and has thin spaghetti straps. I don’t wear a bra, but I do put on a seamless black thong and then grab my small purse with my phone and suit key and take a deep breath, looking at the door. Then open it. Theo is leaning against the all across the hall. His eyes start at my toes and work their way up. I watch the Adam’s Apple in his throat bob as he swallows hard and his eyes find mine. 

“You look beautiful….you always do.” He says and I want to tell him to shove the compliment up his ass. But I don’t. Because I decide I’m going to be mature Hadley. Not bitter and jaded and bitchy Hadley. 

“Thank you.” I say as I shut the door behind me and he pushes off the wall. The tension between us fills the fucking hall, it fills the entire ship, the entire god damn ocean. I’m on fire just looking at him. 

I gesture to the hallway. 

“Lead the way.” I say and he just keeps looking at me. Up and down. Up and down. 

“Fuck.” He mutters and rubs a hand over his face and shakes his head. 

“What?” I ask with a little bit of annoyance. 

“I can’t stand it Hadley.” He says. 

I cross my arms and just look at him. 

“Can’t stand what?” I ask and he looks at me. 

“How much I fucking want you.” He says, sounding tortured. 

I roll my eyes. 

“No. You just want to fuck me. Then send me on my merry little way. Like you always did.” I say. 

“No baby. I fucking want you.” He says and I grit my teeth. 

“Call me baby again and I’ll turn around and stay in my suite the rest of this stupid cruise.” I say and he shakes his head and steps forward. 

“You’re my fucking baby, you know you are, you always were” he says and I suck in a breath as he has me back against the door. 

I shake my head. 

“No. I stopped being your anything when you put your dick in someone else.” I say and he sighs. 

“I know.” He says and then his hands are on my hips and he brings his pelvis to mine and I whimper. 

“Don’t do this. You owe me more than this.” I say my voice shaking. 

He pauses. Grips my hips and then lets go and drops his hands and hangs his head. 

“Youre right. I’m sorry. I just, god, it feels right Hadley. Us. Here and now. Even though you hate me and I deserve it. I want you so fucking bad Hadley Harper. And I’m going to do everything I can to make you my fucking baby again.” He says. And only Theo Thorne can just say whatever he wants and have it melt me. 

“You don’t even know me anymore. I’m not the same girl you left broken hearted.” I say and lift my chin. Trying to save myself from falling into my room and into bed with this man just because he said some pretty little words. 

“I know you’re not. And I’m not the same stupid boy that gave up the best god damn thing that ever happened to him.” He says and I exhale. 

“You wanted to talk. But this, this game you’re playing isn’t going to work. I was drunk and weak the other night, you’re not going to get me into bed with you just because you’re saying what you think I want to hear.” I say.

“You said I don’t know you anymore. But I want to Hadley. I do want to talk. But im just fighting how god damn attracted I am to you. Do I want to fuck you? Of course I do. I’d be a god damn liar if I said otherwise. There’s nothing I’d love more than to fuck you up this wall right here and now.” He says and my heart races as my breath catches. 

“Except for talking with you. Getting to know you again. I want that so much more. So let’s go. Let’s go talk.” He says and I swallow with an audible sound in my throat as I nod. Cursing how wet my pussy made itself listening to him talk about fucking me up a wall. 

———

We go to the far end of the ship, near the bow. Sitting on a bench near the end that looks out towards the ocean. The neon party taking place on the main deck so there’s nobody even out here where we are. I can hear the music play of all the songs that were popular when we were in highschool.

“Talk.” I say as we sit there in silence for several minutes. 

“I saw you. At my mother’s funeral.” He says and I turn my head and look at him because that’s not where I was expecting him to start. 

“Thank you for coming.” He says and I, still looking at the water. 

“I didn’t go for you.” I say. And maybe that’s cold. But it’s the truth. 

“I know.  You went for her. For you. But still, I’m glad you came. She loved you.” He says. 

When Theo and I had become friend in sixth grade. I spent a lot of time at his house with our other friends. Eventually we became best friends. And after a few years, we became boyfriend and girlfriend in freshman year of highschool, and well, you already know the rest. But during those years of friendship I was close to Theos mom. She’d become a second mother. She’d became a friend. I adored His mom. 

“Now, this isn’t a guilt trip, or , anything like that, but when she was dying, I can’t tell you how many times she told me to make it right with you.  They were some of her last words to me. Finding you. Making it right.” He says. 

My eyes water and I just look out at the water and listen to him. 

“She gave me hell when she found out why we broke up.” He laughs humorlessly. “God, she fucking gave me such a hard time about it. And I hate that it took her dying for me to grow the fuck up and realize just how bad I’d fucked it up with you.” He says and I let the tears roll down my cheeks. 

“She’d purposely ask me about you in front of any girl I brought home.” He says and feel myself laugh as I cry. 

“She was always a savage.” I say through a little sniffle and a small laugh. 

“She really was.” He says with a smile as I look over at him. His own eyes filed with unshed tears. 

And because I’m not heartless. I reach over and take his hand. He looks down and then at me. 

“I don’t want you to forgive me Hadley. Because I don’t forgive me either. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did, countless times. I was , I don’t even know what I was, but it wasn’t the man she wanted me to be. Or the man I became when I got my act together. You didn’t deserve for me to hurt you. And I regret it. I regret hurting you. I regret hurting my best friend. I regret hurting the only girl I ever truly loved. I don’t have a good enough excuse for what I did. I could give you a hundred excuses or try to explain the mind set of a sixteen year old boy, but I don’t, I don’t even know how I could have so easily done what I did to you. No amount of excuses would make up for it. I’m so sorry Hadley. Truly. I’m sorry for everything. For cheating. For being an asshole that took advantage of your feelings by breaking your heart over and over each time I was selfish and hooked up with you just to let you go again. I don’t even …god, I hate myself for it Hadley. I’d give up everything to rewrite our story. To go back and love you the way I should have. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m so sorry Hadley.”

I believe him. I really do. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just nod. 

“I know you are.” I say as tears fall from my cheeks. 

“No matter what, I just need you to know that I regret it, every day. I regret letting you get away. I regret being the person that made you hurt, and made you cry. I wish I would’ve been a better person back then. I just need you to know I’ll never forgive myself for being so cruel to you. And even though my actions, and taking forever to give you any kind of apology , make it seem like I didn’t love you. I did Hadley. I always have. I still do. I just wasn’t worthy of you actually loving me back. I’m sorry for being so selfish with you. For so long. I’m sorry for….for ruining you.” He says and my tears keep falling. 

“Thank you for saying that” I say as my lip wobbles. 

“I lied about why I called you Pinky.” He says and a small unexpected laughs bursts from my lips as my tears fall. 

“It was never as vulgar as the color of your nipples or your…pussy” he says and I feel my

Cheeks flush and roll my eyes and look back at the water. 

“It was because you were always blushing. I loved how your cheeks always got so pink whenever we looked at each other, and the way the tip of your nose always followed suit.” He say and wipe more tears and look back at him. 

“I loved when eve you were shy or nervous, or bashful, or embarrassed, or someone gave you a compliment , your cheeks and nose just immediately went bright pink. It was so fucking cute.” He says and I keep looking at him. 

“You blush less now. But you still do a little bit.” He says with a small smile and then lifts his hand and wipes a stray tear from my cheek. 

“Just know, I love you Hadley. I always will. I don’t deserve to even have this chance to apologize to you, but I’m grateful you gave it to me. And you’ll always be my first love, and probably the only. Because nobody

Has ever compared to you and they never will.” He says and I take a deep breath and let it out. 

“I’ll always love you too.” I say. Even though I probably shouldn’t. He smiles softly. 

“So, tell me what you’ve been up to.” He says and wipes my cheek one more time and then turns and faces me and it’s an abrupt change on conversation. But I find myself grateful for it my heart growing to heavy with all the apologies. 

And we sit. And we talk. Until the neon party dies down and the music stops. We talk till the entire ship goes quiet and it’s just the sounds of the wind and the water and his voice and mine. There’s laughter. There’s more tears. There’s everything that we once were , right here in the middle of the ocean. Seeming like we’re a world away.